I don't care either way.

We all learn life lessons in one way or another. Some of us are wiser than others, some of us think with our hearts, others think with impulses from our bodies. I've always been a person to think with my heart and ignore what my head tells me. The night before I flew out here I broke down in tears, calling Heather to tell her how afraid I was, how uncertain I was. All the sudden, I didn't feel that my trip to Boston was a good idea. I sent Dan an E-Mail expressing how I felt, asking him if I could just stay home, and telling him that I'd repay him for the plane ticket he'd already bought. The next morning I got his response.

He told me everything would be alright. He said I could get a job, have a new life, that I'd be okay- and that he was desperate. He needed me to come and help him. He was at the end of his rope. (Though I believe he used the term "Balls to the wall".) I didn't want to go.

What I've mentioned to very few people is that one of the large determining factors in my decision to come here was a fight I had with my mom. She had asked me (Not demanded as seems to be popular belief) that I try to move out by September. I was 21 and money was tight. My problem was that no one else took me seriously when I said I was looking for a place. Mom brought over an army recruiter to talk to me about possibly joining - and it scared me.

I'm not gonna stand here and say that I'm the bravest thing in the world. This year's shown me how much of a coward that I really am, but I've improved significantly. I was running away when I told Dan yes, and I realized that on the last night, but because a friend was in need of my help, I ignored it. I let my heart drive me instead of my head. It got me into trouble.

I remembered breaking into tears the first time I looked out the window at Boston. It hit me that everyone I loved, everything I knew was gone. I had given up everything for a friend who, just a few weeks prior to my moving, had called me selfish for saving myself for marriage. Someone who could never tell me that they thought of me as a friend. Just someone they rped with. 

I shouldn't have signed the lease in the first place either. Even before I had, Laura had been tense with me. She grew very aggrivated that I was sleeping in Dan's room with them- they had the bed, I slept on the floor. She snapped at me several times, once even over cleaning up the kitchen 'too much'. So I moved out to sleep on the floor in the kitchen. It was my bed for the first month and a half that I lived in Boston. She and Dan were in their own world after that. I only really existed when one or the other was away for whatever reason. I asked Laura if she could help me find a cat on Craig's list and she agreed to it. I told her that I just needed a cat to come home to, they made me feel better and made my place feel like a home. She paid $50 for Mudkip, money I paid back when she left for school. Dan wasn't involved in even asking for a cat, he originally wanted a ferret and the cat would be my pet. I helped Laura search the web for her, I picked her out from a photo, I stayed up late at night as she meowed from the bathroom while I worked on litter training her. I took her in for every shot and booster, I've clipped her nails every week, fed her, cleaned her box, bought her tags, and kept her healthy.

Boston wasn't what I thought it would be, neither was Dan.

I wanted to make the best of my situation, but I was afraid. Laura and Dan both mistake that for being miserable. I was homesick, and I'm pretty sure that even Laura was upset and afraid when she first left home- maybe even miserable. I felt alright for a while since I was doing it for a friend- so I thought anyway.

I'm not sure if it's a west-coast thing or something held exclusively in the circles of people that I associate with, but friends keep eachother company. They comfort eachother. I left my family and friends and I had no comfort to get over the seperation. When I had a bad day at work I sat alone in the kitchen or in my room once Tom had moved out. When I wanted to hang out, I was often told that Dan was too busy. At first I was involved now and then, but as time went on, I was left on my own. The last few months have been tense. Every time Laura's over she's given me the cold shoulder, refusing to even look my way or say hi. I offered for her to come and hang in my room, play some games or watch movies and she outright refused. The colder she got, the colder Dan got.

This weekend was the breaking point. I wanted to go home and I'd caught wind that Laura wanted to come for the summer. I didn't want to sit around the apartment, feeling like an intruder in my own home for not just a week- but the last few months of my stay here, so I raked my brain for a solution. I was also losing hours at both jobs, I crunched numbers and even with all that I've cut out of my budget -down to my bus tickets-I still might not have made rent. I figured that if I could move home and send the rent back until August- that Dan could have all the company he wanted, I could be with family, and I'd actually make enough to get the rent paid, pay off the TV, and start saving for school again. Mom, Mary, and I all want to go to OSU and graduate at the same time, walk together. I told Dan about my idea- apparently he took it a little too seriously.

Friday I was hit with my taxes. I wasn't able to go through with my plan, and I had informed Dan about it after asking for some advice. The next day while I was working on comissions, Laura IM's me out of the blue. I hadn't spoken to her  for months so I was confused as to why she bothered contacting me.

She completely let into me, threatoned to take Mudkip away from me because I owe Dan money (She said $1400. Unfortunately for her I've been keeping track of my funds since day one- I actually owe him $158 since the TV's his once I'm gone.) and because I "ruined his life". What a joke. It was him that asked me to come here. It was him that talked me out of staying when I told him the night before I didn't want to come, and I've done nothing but try to be a friend and help out around the house. But -she- doesn't like me. -She- doesn't like that I'm living with her boyfriend and that -she's- a guest in my house. So In a way- I'm ruining her life. Not my fault.

I confronted Dan about it, Laura flaming me was totally out of line. Of course- he took her side. Said I ruined his life, that I was a miserable person and he could no longer stand living with me. In a nutshell- either he woudl move out or I had to. If he moved out, he'd find a sublet. IE a stranger to take over his lease until it was due for renewal. If I moved out he'd find a sublet for me or Laura would take it over when she moved in for the summer. I called home, Dad sent me money, and I booked a ticket.

I'll be out of here soon. I've agreed to send money back to Dan so long as he can tolerate my being a little short. I'll pay rent until he can find a sublet or until Laura moves in for the summer. Anything I was short I'll pay back once he has someone else paying rent. Once rent's taken care of, I'll pay him the rest of what I owe. After that... he's on his own. 

After that I'll pay off the TV. Once that's done I'll save my money and finish my associate's at Chemeketa. I only need four classes, and I can move out into a house with Nicky, Mary, and Tabby. A house in Oregon's the same as what I pay for half the rent on this moldy, creaky hole.

It kills me that I'm losing a friend. I've tried asking several times if there's any chance that we'll talk after this...but Dan's not answered. He's as quiet as he's been for the past few months. It won't be easy, the next few months, but I'll be home. I'll be with my family and friends, home with people that genuinely love me and care for me. People that'll help me as much as I help them, people that I can trust. I'll be able to see Mary graduate, I'll be able to see Grandma and Grandpa M when they come up, I'll be able to visit Grandma B and tell her how relieved I am that she pulled through, I'll be able to take the dogs out to the park and stretch out in the park with my friends to watch the stars and laugh again. I'll be able to get Mudkip some company during the day with the other cats, she'll have a big house to run around in, a tank full of fish to torment, and she'll be able to stretch out in my back yard on her leash and not have to worry about roaring cars, trains, and busses. Just the trees, birds, and pond fish. 

I'm not mad... more hurt than anything, and eager to go home. I'm upset, obviously, and worried about the money...but I'll be home.

Date:	2009-04-01 22:13
Subject:	Chicago Trip and Other Things
Security:	Public
Mood:	Homesick

Well the bad news is that I'm back. The good news is that I'm feeling much better mentally. Since I've not updated in a while, it's gonna be a long post.

Chicago Trip:
I got up pretty early to leave for the airport. My flight left at 11:30am so I wanted to get there by at least 9:30am so I could get all my bags checked in, get through security, and find my gate. I left the house just a little before 6am, hit the bank, caught the trains, and arrived around 8:00am. I couldn't check my bags until 9:30am so I sat outside security on my laptop organizing files. Just last year, you could get free wifi while you wait, now you have to buy a $5 day pass. Pretty insane.

Once everything was checked in and I cleared security, I waited at my gate with a cup of coffee and three doughnuts for breakfast. One thing that bothered me was that I had reserved a window seat, but got bumped to the aisle. I hate sitting in the aisle mainly because you get bumped around while people move through the aisle towards the bathroom, rummage around in the overhead bins, and when the flight attendants bring out the refreshments. I managed alright though, some mild motion sickness but that was the worst of it.

When I arrived in Chicago I went right down to bagging and got my stuff. There was no sign of Carl, I assumed he was just running late or wasn't sure where to get me. We had agreed to meet up when I landed, wait for mom in bagging, then leave to get some food. I called Carl a few times but got his voice mail.  Not good. So I waited in the bagging area. Mom's flight was due to land a little more than an hour after mine.

Seeing her was amazing. After we hugged and got out a good cry, it was just like it'd always been. We sat next to eachother (both of us quite grouchy about Carl not having contacted us by then) and just talked, laughed, and joked around. Eventually I managed to get ahold of Carl. he told us to take the Disney Tran to the last stop where he'd meet us up. So for an hour and a half, mom and I hauled our luggage around the airport looking for anything that said "Disney". I confirmed it a few times with Carl, but no where was there Disney anything. We asked around, each time getting odd looks. Eventually (after trying several times -again-) we managed to get ahold of Carl and convince him to just drive into the pickup area. 

We swung by Carl's place to drop off our stuff and pick up his girlfriend, Sheela. We went to a small sport's bar for lunch. Mom and I split a meal and I enjoyed three Mike's Hard Cranberry Juice bottles. After that, I started feeling...weird. I think I got buzzed, I felt kinda dizzy and jittery, so I stopped drinking. Heh, I've never been buzzed before and I'm almost 23. Kind of pathetic but I'd rather not go beyond the buzzed point either.

Carl gave mom and I the guest room. of course being the compulsive duo that we are, we spent a lot of the first evening there cleaning out what would be our room for the first few days.
 
The second day, Carl had plans for us to go eat some Chicago hot dogs then attend a Ruby Conference to practice working with the soundboard and camera. (Ruby's another coding language, one you don't mention around Python people. XD) It was a little stressful but much of it was Carl having pre-conference jitters. The hotdog place we went to wasn't bad. The hotdogs were by far better than the bbq ribs... which tasted like they fell in some kind of sweet and sour sauce. Oh well, it wasn't -bad-, just weird. XD

We stopped by Fry's after that, Mom bought Twilight and I got some batteries for my camera so I could start taking pictures. Carl picked up a few things that he needed for the convention then we all headed home. We watched Twilight (Which I pretty much laughed through) and I managed to spot Keith on one of the scenes. Kind of cool that I know someone from the movie, even if he was an extra. They filmed it in Oregon so yeah. Carl had been an extra too but they cut out all the scenes he was in. My cousin Carl had been an extra in The Dark Knight but his scenes were cut as well. Movie producers just don't like Carls.

The next day, mom and I decided that we wanted a good cup of Chicago coffee. Every state/city has small coffee shops each with their own taste. In Oregon the best coffee's in Salem in a little shop called "The Govener's Cup". So I whipped out my super-cool blackberry, booted up the gps feature, and searched for coffee shops. There was a place at the top of the list called "Bad Ass Coffee" , a 2.5 mile walk accroding to the gps. Mom and I are fairly athletic so 2.5 miles is cake, we needed to stretch out anyway. So we went out, following the GPS's instructions to the letter.
 

1. Chicago's roads and sidewalk suck. Welcome to the origin of Obama! Your tax dollars hard at work. The streets are filled with cracks and potholes filled with oatmeal, gravel, and whatever else they figure might work at the moment. The sidewalks are cracked up, covered in litter, and end suddenly. 
2. Chicago is also the bermuda tringle for blackberry GPS's. I'm convinced.

Sleep, among other things, is something I've been having a hard time obtaining recently. This week's not going to be much better. It's spring break and the neighbors take every chance they can to throw block parties filled with drunken idiots, music so loud the floor boards rattle, and fireworks. When things are quiet enough for me to settle down, my mind starts up. Anxiety keeps me up, wakes me after only a few hours of empty rest, and hang over me when I wake up. Sadly enough, sleep's just about the only thing I have to look forward to when I get home from work. I spend much of the morning dreading my work, then my entire shift dreading going home. When I'm home I sit in my chair feeling listless and uninspired.

I force myself to do artwork only because knowing I have so much due keeps me up at night. Once I finish my commission que, I have a lot of gaia work to catch up on. I know anyone who's reading this (All you unnamed idiots don't count.) thinks it's dumb that I put gaia art as priority but everyone has their own way of getting their name out there. Most of my commissions (A good 80% at least) come from gaia. My recent commission que consists of two art sets for shops on gaia (One of which is doing amazingly well, 4.5MIL on their first auction), a few have been character references for gaia, and the last few have been art of pre-existing gaia characters. The more practice I have on the stuff, the better and faster I get at my own artwork. In the last year I've learned how to make nicer looking lines (I still have a long way to go), shading templates, and how to lock layers to one another. I look back at my artwork over the years and this past year has been the largest leap of improvement for me. Most of my art in 2008 has been digital in fact where as any previous years I might have three tops.

Anyway, I've not really been able to enjoy doing any artwork. It's all been commission work, gift art, or artwork for a contest. (Which I abandoned because I don't have the time and since I'm not being asked to rp anymore, I have no inspiration for it.) I come home knowing I owe art, knowing I owe money, knowing that next paycheck is already spent between bills and rent.

On a normal day I come home to Dan starring at his computer screen, maybe saying something on his way to the bathroom or kitchen- and that's the extent of my contact with him. This week has been absolute hell. Laura was over, the entire time the tension was so thick in the place you could cut it with a knife. I only came out of my room when I had to eat or use the restroom. Even then, I didn't pass by their room unless I was too hungry to care or I was on my way to work. The only conversation I had with Dan was likely over-seen by Laura and pretty insulting to boot. Apparently I have nothing to complain about and I should be honored to be here in this shithole of an apartment lodged in the middle of this hell of a city. Apparently I'm scaring away all Dan's friends and he's all depressed that no one will hang out with him.

Well good. Maybe he'll start to understand just why I complain.

I'm not exactly shocked to learn that I have a hostile vibe. Over the years I've trained myself to grow angry when I should be sad. It keeps me from crying, it keeps people away from me, and on a normal basis, it's easier to vent out anger than sadness. So when I'm really upset, I become very, very angry. I glare, I stalk around, and I apparently put out a very hostile vibe. Every time Dan's had someone over I've had every right to be aggitated. I was in the bath when he brought over a girl unannounced. It may be just my upbringing but it's -very- rude to just have someone come over without at least sending a text or calling to let your room mate/family members know. Before that, Dan was too busy to hang out- to get something to eat, to watch a movie. However, he wans't too busy to take a three day weekend off to hoast a tabletop rp game with all his guy friends and then have laura over for the weekend after that. It seems like every weekend or every other weekend he has someone over. I may get ten words out of the guy a month. He's so busy.

The ONE time I have a chance to go out and hang with a friend, Dan decides to go see his family. I can't fault him, if I could I'd go see my family, but it would have been nice to get some prior notice. After dealing with a week-o-girlfriend, I get to cancel my plans and sit on my hands for the weekend. 

I'm going to Chicago for 10 days at the end of this next week. I'm hoping it loosens me up enough to handle the last few months here. I've not had a break from this place, not had hardly any friendly contact since I moved here. I veryw ell might have stuck out the two and a half years it would have taken for Dan to graduate if I felt I was doing it for a friend. I've not felt welcome for months here, and I continue to feel like I'm intruding when Dan has friends over or girly friends.

Good news is that my boss from Blue said that I'm earning at least $600 in my store so I'm allowed two shifts- for now. So I'm working both Saturday and Sunday this weekend, hopefully I'll still get to go hang with Jess on Monday, but just for the day. Friday I head to Chicago, hopefully I can get Dan to take me to the airport. If not I'll figure out how to get there on my own. I'm not overly fond of the T. Just something about being underground surrounded by steel and stone really freaks me out. Even if it's Chicago, I'll be with my mom and cousin. Both mean the world to me. Mom keeps saying that I should just fly home from there. It's tempting...very very tempting. Especially with the recent conversations with Dan. Unfortunately I wanna keep my word. Damn fucking morals. I promised a year, he gets a year. He hasn't exactly sold me on this having been a -good- choice, but he gets the year. I've done a little looking into things and I really could break out of the lease if I chose to. It takes one call to housing to have them inspect that floor and I could leave for health reasons. I could say that I'm losing too many hours to make rent...Hell I could even expose that we have a cat and get us evicted.

Again. Damn morals.

At the very least, I can go home with a few new lessons to grow off of. Don't trust people, they suck, and they'll always let you down- even if they say they won't. I know how to live on my own, budget, and take care of rent. I'll have another job to add to my resume, hopefully it'll be enough to land me in a vet's office as a receptionist or in a grooming office as a bather until I finish college. I also won't be afraid of taking Oregon's busses anymore in fear of getting lost because compared to this dump- 18 bus routes is NOTHING. And I learned that I'm never returning to this side of the United States -ever- again.

Date:	2009-03-11 20:22
Subject:	Drama Llama or reasonbly upset?
Security:	Public
Mood:	Aggressive

Growing up, I've never been alone. I've always had my family there or a church that I could go to when I was upset. If my family was the problem, I'd go to the church. If I didn't want to go to the church I'd take long walks and just enjoy the scenery, curl up somewhere private and draw until I felt better. I've always had a temper, it's no secret, but until this year I never really thought I was the kind of person that needed companionship. You really don't think about what you need if it's there all the time. When it's gone it's like you're at a loss.

I've always been the strong figure in my family. The oldest of four children, my younger siblings have rarely ever seen me cry. One of my defenses is that trained myself to become angry instead of sad when something upsets me. My siblings would come to me to cry over something that happened to them or to the family and I'd be the strong one holding them just kind of looking into thin air. The only person I've ever trusted to see me cry has been my mom. I can tell her anything and everything. She always knows just what to say and what it takes to cheer me up. The first time I saw the Two Towers was when I was upset over cutting off a friendship with Erin. Mom took me, just me despite my siblings all pleading with her, to the midnight showing. We went out to eat at a 24 hour diner after that.

Nicky was always there when I needed company. Just sitting on the couch watching her play video games was enough company for me most days. Listening to Mary and Axel bicker down the hall, mom listening to her talk radio upstairs, and sitting with the dogs in the game room was all the social interaction I needed. I don’t talk a lot, unless you strike up the right topics, I really have very little to say regarding anything. I don’t obsess over the media and celebrities, I’m very picky in my tastes in movies/tv shows/books/etc. Most people think I’m outright dull. I grew up making up my own stories, I didn’t ever really feel the need to watch someone else’s. Even then, I’d think up alternate endings, alternate situations that could have happened- I have an over-active imagination.

Before I left Oregon, my favorite thing to do was go out with my mom during the week. I was down to working three days a week, Friday through Sunday, so during the week I would go with mom when she ran her errands. Even if it was going to the hardware store, driving to dump out yard clippings, or buy pet food we always had fun. We talked about anything and everything, we laughed, we listened to music.

I don’t have any of that now. Normally after a hard day at work I’d plop down on the couch with my family and just be with people. If I had an exceptionally hard day, I’d rant about it and I’d feel better. Here, I come home and Dan -might- say hi. I’d kill to just plop down on the couch and watch some tv with him, complain about stupid customers back and forth, then enjoy the rest of the day. He doesn’t give me that much. I come home and I talk to the cat.

It’s really not much to ask for a little companionship. A little human contact after a hard day at work, someone I can talk to about what’s bothering me, someone I can talk to about things I wanna do some day. Someone period. He doesn’t want that. In fact, he’s recently informed me that all he wants to do is get through his school work and my constant bitching.

He’s been getting depressed because his friends don’t want to come over here. Apparently I put out a hostile vibe. There’s really only two people I don’t like over here. I don’t like when Dan springs people in unannounced, it’s -very- rude by all means (Especially when I’m bathing at the time they decide to show up). I like his guy friends and his rp groups but apparently I’ve scared the lot of them off by sitting in my room. I don’t like it, but I can’t help but feel that Dan deserves it. Maybe if his friends stop coming around he’ll realize that it absolutely sucks to have no one’s voice to listen to, no one (who speaks English) to talk to about your troubles.

He may be used to living away from home, but this is my first time. I gave up everything I know and loved for him, I don’t know what else he wants from me. I just can’t wait to leave Boston behind me. Just take my cat (Yes MY cat. I paid for her, paid for all her shots, her food, supplies, and care for her) and go home to where I can at least have people that care.

I don’t like being treated like I’m some monster that he shares his apartment with. I don’t like him saying that all I do is complain. I do complain a lot, I won’t lie, but it’s not like I have a lot to be happy with. I’ve lost everything I love to this guy, everything. From my family and friends, my home, my familiar surroundings, to my game. I’ve gone out of my way to help him in every way I could, staying up late to do his homework, inking pics for him, making backgrounds, etc. I’ve not heard a “Thank you” in months- save for when I bring him home a soda on occasion.

I just can’t trust people. I give and I give and they keep taking. I blind myself with illusions of who these people are and find myself surprised when I see past the illusion I put up in front of myself.

I want to be sad instead of angry, I know that I’m more hurt than anything. I want to cry, I know I’d feel better if I could just get everything out for once but instead I’m angry. I want to punch someone in the mouth or go running until my legs ache. I want to sit on the couch and watch someone play games, lay in the grass and just think about nothing again.

I’m sick of being the nice doormat. I’ll keep my complaints to myself (Outside of this journal, I gotta rant somewhere or I might actually punch some teeth out) and just do what I need to do in order to get out of this hell hole and go back to where I belong. If Dan’s in a tight spot when I leave that’s his issue. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want or need my help or support, so I’ll let him handle it on his own. He’s got so many friends and girls piled up, if he needs help he can go to them.

This week has been absolute hell. It started off with my manager from Blue Buffalo telling me that I was officially only allowed to work at my store one day a week. He's given me nothing but outstanding reviews, I even impressed -his- boss, but the company's being forced to make a few cut backs, especially for those that work in PetCo stores. (PetCo only carries some of our products. Most of the cat, minus the kitten, and some of the dog products.) Unless he assigns me a second store or finds me a store where I can do independent demos in (I've already asked if I could demo in the grooming shop I work in), I'm stuck with one day a week. That cuts my 'extra paycheck' from $120 a week to $60 a week. This is, of course, after I lost a few hours in the grooming shop because of more cutbacks. I'm down to 22 official hours. However, if my boss feels that she doesn't need me there (like this Wednesday for example) she sends me home early. I used to have 25 hours from Brookline which covered the rent completely and left my check from Blue to be used to buy groceries, pay off my Best Buy card, and pay Dan back. When I got cut, I had to use money from my Blue Buffalo check to make up for the shortcomings in my 'rent check'- which meant I couldn't pay Dan back as often as I wanted to. Now with BOTH being cut I -might- be able to get groceries. I'm down to eating two meals a day, same thing every day to save money. Ceriel for breakfast, drinking a lot during the day to 'feel full' and a salad for dinner.

Monday it snowed. Normally, that's nothing. I like the snow. However, when it snows windows fog, and when windows fog, you can't paint on them. Which meant that this Wednesday I couldn't paint the window that I had planned on which meant another $50 off my paycheck. Thankfully, I managed to do two windows the week prior so I had $100 in commission money on top of my paycheck to make up rent.

Wednesday was the next scoop in the shitty week sundae. I got to work and everyone was already kind of standing around. Wednesdays we normally have a large order come in on top of taking apointments, getting customers in, dog daycare, grooming, and general retail duties. So there's a lot of people there. Every day when I come onto shift I walk the dogs. After I finished with that, Mindy (the store owner/lead groomer) asked me to walk down to Duncan Doughnuts to get some coffee for everyone. I did so, it was a 15 minute walk there and back, I really didn't mind since I got out of the store but it was kind of weird being asked to make a coffee run. It's never really happened. When I got back, Mindy wanted to send me home but I was allowed to stay so I could dust the store.

...I shit you not. Dust the store.

So I started from one side, worked my way to the other. I killed more time by fronting and dusting off the product (trust me, in a dog grooming place, there's hair and dust everywhere) and wiping the floors down. Once I had finished it was 1:00pm and the other Kelly was coming onto shift-meaning there were -more- people to stand around. The problem was- we weren't getting our order in. So at that point Mindy couldn't think of anything else to do. Another hour and a half lost. More salad for next week.

Thursday was pretty bad as well. Normally we get one small order in on Thursday night during the closing shift. It's small enough that we can handle it pretty well. However, not only did we get that order in but we got the order in that was supposed to come in on Wednesday. So we were running around with that, dealing with customers, the daycare dogs, etc. It was hectic and stressful. I went home exhausted but, again, couldn't get to sleep easily.

Today pretty much topped everything- so far.

Went to work, got there on time and it was kind of a routene slow Friday. Only one order came in (thankfully) and it was the usal tiny Friday order and it was put away before I got on the floor. We've had a rat problem for some time in the basement, they nibble through our product and...well crap everywhere. It's gross and I've spent many, many hours down in the 'dungeon' as I call it cleaning, re-organizing, and throwing product on high shelves, in plastic bins, and on grid racks to keep the product safe. It mostly works. We had our exterminater guy come in around four to reset a lot of the traps and re-fill the poisens that he had going. While he was here, one of our dogs started growling at him. Normally Daisey's very good, she only really growls at Lance- and all the dogs bark at him. He's a dog trainer with prong-collar methods so it makes sense. But she normally ignores the people that come to work behind the counter. Luca and I kept pulling her back from the guy but she persisted still I had her standing with me at the register.

When the guy left- so did Luca's backpack and Diane's wallet. We immediantly started going through the security tapes from the cameras we have set all over the store. Luckly for us, one of the cameras was positioned right over Luca's stuff on the back grooming table. The guy covered her bag with his coat and walked off with it. Guess Daisey was onto something.

Luca called the cops and Diane called her credit card company. So we had 3 cops in the back of the store reviewing tapes, asking everyone questions, etc. until an hour before closing. Diane said that her credit card company reported that the guy tried using her card in five locations. David and I were left to do the remainder of the closing duties. 

Shortly after the cops arrived, I got a text from Dan informing me that his girlfriend would be here for the entire week, then he'd be leaving for the next weekend to see his family.

Well damn and double damn.

For one- I hate it when he has his girlfriend over. I'm sorry, but I really do. She and I used to be friends but unless I poke her on aim, she ignores me completely. When she's here, she locks up in his room. Any offers at having her hang out in here are instantly answered with "I'm not feeling social." Then of course there's the whole...relationship tango. Can't stand it. I know it's someone else's love life but it's just not something I can agree with at all. When she's over, I feel akward. I don't sleep well when I put music on, but I'm afraid to leave it off- so I lose sleep. I feel akward walking around the kitchen cleaning because she yelled at me once for cleaning too much. I feel akward coming,  going, or heading for the fridge because Dan's room is RIGHT by the entry room and fridge. It just feels tense when she's around, and I don't like coming home to my one place of safety in the city only to feel like an intruder and a freak.

For two- I had made plans to spend the weekend with a friend from Gaia. She  and I have been wanting to meet up for a while but this is the first time that we've both had time off from work/school to do it. Dan's leaving, which means if I leave the cat will be alone for the weekend. Even if I leave food and water out- she'll cry when no one comes home. We're not supposed to have a cat, if the neighbors hear, we're fucked. So I either have to have her come here, or just cancel my plans.

And finally? Dan's officially dropped out of my game. Yeah it -shouldn't- be a big deal but it is. He's been a part of it longer than anyone else, for six years now. I have to COMPLETELY re-do everything, write him out, throw out all his ideas, and work from that. Aside from gaming, Dan and I really have little else in common. Some video games, but that list is even short. I feel completely cut out of his life. Any gaming time he has will go to playing with girlfriend, demonzrawezome girl, and the fanfic twins. I just kinda feel dooped. I gave up everything and he doesn't give me an hour or two on the side a week. I'm lucky if he says "hi" to me when one of us gets home from work.

So I got work tomorrow. Girlfriend will be here when I get back so I'm likely gonna spend a lot of my time doing art in my room, music blasting, and making up curses to mutter while I work.  Gotta get ahold of my buddy and let her know that the get-together/see the town/go to the mall weekend's off. I get to look forward to another weekend by myself after a hellish week of being the 'mean room mate'.

I'm done with being nice. This year in Boston's been a learning experience. I've seen the true colors of people I called friends. Reality sucks. Really.

Oh, and on another note-
I'm not only not reading any comments made by people who don't even name themselves, but I'm deleting them. If you won't name yourself, I don't even need to bother with your opinion. It's a blog people. If you don't like what I have to say- Don't read. 8D 

Anyway. I'm counting the days till I get to go home. Put all this bullshit behind me and pick up where I left off at home. Maybe I won't go anywhere with my life, I don't know. Don't care at this point. I just want out of this hellhole. It's been nothing but crap flying through a high-powered fan since the day I stepped off that plane.

Sometimes there's people that just...set me off. It runs in the family apparently.

A few examples.

The first time a girl named Samantha came into our house, mom and I were standing at the top of the stairs together. We'd been talking, normally we don't bat an eye when the door opens. We have six people in the family, there's always traffic through the front door. Someone goes to work, someone goes to school, friends pop in, neighbors caught Diesel getting out again, etc. Well the moment Sam walked in, mom and I both stopped talking, turned to look, then glanced back at eachother. Something....was not right about her. We didn't know what, we couldn't explain it, there was no way to verbalize it, but there was something about her that set us off.

Another example was a kid named TJ. He was a friend of Nicky's, she brought him home now and then to hang out and that kid just never sat right with me. I wouldn't take my eyes off him whenever he'd come over. I felt angry, aggressive, and very, very protective of Nicky whenever he was around.

Perhaps my best example was a few years back when I started getting very uncomfortable and jittery. I couldn't explain why, but I was almost in panic for reasons I couldn't explain. I didn't know what was going to happen but I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. I paniced all through February, I told Dan several times that something bad was about to happen, he needed to be careful. Sure enough, right as February ended- so did Dan's relationship with Mouse. Everything had a domino effect from there. Not only did Mouse start flaming him, but Heather and Kat started up. When I took his side in the argument, I was added to the firing wall. The next year or so following was absolute hell for Dan and myself. Both our reputations on Deviant Art was smeared, mine was pretty well gone from gaia.

Few people actually take me seriously when I start to bristle up for seemingly no reason. However, time and again through my life I've learned not to ignore my gut feeling about something or someone. I saved my sister's life twice as a result of the gut feelings, I've avoided dangerous situations as a result, and I've found my way back home safely as a result.

So when a red flag goes up about a person, I damn well will react to it.

The problem with Sam, that I can figure, was that she had a very negitive roll in a friend's life. She'd led him astray several times, made him into a scary person, and was kind of the one in the group that you couldn't say much around. With TJ he was absolutely insane. He still is. He has a restraining order against him around anyone uner 18, there's been a few more restraining order hearings, and once he threatoned to kill himself if Nicky didn't date him.

So in short, for all you 'unamed' individuals who actually go out of your way to read my rantings and ramblings, yes- I don't like Zimmie. Why? Well on 'reasonable' grounds, I can't stand her as a gamer. Playing Demons and Gods is something most people grow out of once they realize the gaia chatterbox is a cesspool of Mary-Sues and bad fanfic porn. It's also a bit lame that to justify the AWEZOMENESS of DEMONZ AND GODZ to say that they come from a whole planet of them. Secondly, I don't like perverted girls for the most part. All I've ever seen of her artwork has been suggestive or...past suggestive. It's a waste of talent in my opinion. Yes she's got some talent with her inking and coloring- see! I can say nice things too! 8D Really- I don't like most girls. Everything's taken personally, they're whiney, clingy, and just...blech. I don't like most other girls.

Another thing is she goes looking for drama. I have a blog, yes. It happens. I don't have anyone to actually talk to here about what's making me angry, what's stressing me out, making me sad, or how my day went. Dan sits in his room all day and makes time only for select people. Even if I help free up some of that time. My family doesn't need to know I'm  having a hard time. I don't need my mom getting worried over more crap, my dad feeling guilty for telling me to move out, or my siblings to feel bad that they didn't take me seriously when I said "I'm gonna go to Boston if you guys don't grow a backbone and move out with me!" I don't have friends here, everyone's too busy worshiping Obama to have an intelegent conversation.

So I blog. If I sit and stew on it I get more and more angry. Explosively angry in fact. I start swearing a lot, I start slamming doors, throwing stuff, and end up snapping at anyone that even so much as slightly irritates me. I blog because it's a way to get things off my chest, a way to calm myself down and just get my thoughts out. If you go out of your way to read it, that's out of my control. If you go out of your way to contact me to boo hoo about it- you -really- need a hobby.

You don't walk up to someone that's wearing a shirt that says "I hate pink" and slap a pink post-it on them. That's a real good way to get your teeth knocked out. I don't like someone? Big deal. Something about her really freaks me out, I feel angry and aggressive whenever she's even brought up. I don't know -why-. Aside from that, she goes out of her way to read about my life knowing full well I don't like her. She has friends mob me when I block her, and dares to call me a coward for telling her to back off. Yeah. Right.

So yeah. I'll likely get hell in the morning or later on during the day for this entry. 

Moving out here was the worst mistake of my life thus far. It's been a growing nightmare since day one.

Today I woke up feeling worse than I remember feeling for years. I've been sleeping less and less, finding it harder and harder to get to sleep, to get comfortable,and to remain asleep. Last night I laid in bed staring at the clock until about six in the morning. I woke at noon, one hour before my alarm was due to go off, and felt sick. My entire body ached, my arms and legs felt like they were filled with lead. My head was throbbing, I felt dizzy and really didn't have much of a desire to eat anything. I downed some golden grams and a cup of coffee before heading out to work. I had to stop and dish out another $20 for allergy medication. I've bumped up to getting the stuff they keep behind the counter at the front in hopes that it will help me feel better. I've been on allergy medicine since I moved here, working through generic stuff and expensive stuff alike. While symptoms kind of dull, they never go away entirely. I thought at first that it was because I'm working around animal hair all day. After we had the walls and floors replaced at work, I started feeling better when I was at work. The dog hair irritates me sometimes, but not as much. When I come home and settle down for bed everything seems to hit me all at once- which shouldn't happen on 24-hour medication.

I feel short of breath, I wake up every few hours to use my inhailer and use the restroom. I wake up off and on through the night, have difficulty getting to sleep though I'm always tired. I wake up feeling sore, stiff, and unrested. Today I felt sick all through work. My arms ached though I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, I had a pounding headache, and towards the end of my shift I felt dizzy. When I went to get lunch all I could tummy was a quart of orange juice. The thought of eating still has my gut twisting knots.

I'm sick. I know I'm sick. I thought maybe it was depression, anxiety, poor diet, etc. But this past few weeks I've eaten salads, good ceriel, drank tea and juice mostly and there's been no improvement. I've tried going to expensive allergy medications and they've failed. Lord knows I'm a neat freak. I deep clean the apartment at least once a week, I wash everything, I even keep a bottle of hand sanitizer by my desk and in my bag. I've done everything in my power short of taking a trip to the doctor (Which I can't afford) to keep myself healthy and I just get worse.

As a result my mood's suffering. I've become more short-tempered, more irritable, and more emotional. The smallest things set me off, so when something big comes up I don't even know how to deal with it.

To make matters worse, I got a text informing me that Zimmie was coming over. Again. I didn't want to go home. The last time she was here, the little wench got offended that I locked myself in my room. And Dan somehow managed to find time in his frantic schedule to work on her computer/hang out so I didn't want to get in the way. Unfortunately, on my walk home it started raining. I stopped to check out a few resteraunts that were open late enough- all of them were absolutely packed. I wasn't feeling well on top of everything, all I could think of was going to bed. So I came home, discovered my room's light had burned out, then gave sleep another try.

Every hour, like clock work, I was awake. Had to go to the restroom, something ached, I had mucus coming up in coughs, always something. Finally when Zimmie left and I started to settle down again- the neighbors started up. Now that it's warming up they're back to drunken block parties. Blasting music, screaming, stomping...and the cops don't do anything. I've called the Boston cops several times to complain. Not only is their response time between an hour to three hours, but they don't do anything. They tell the kids that there was a complaint then they drive off. Within twenty minutes, the party's back on at full strength.

This place is a joke. An absolute joke. I call and complain about water damage, mold, and broken pipes and I'm told that there's nothing that the landlord can do about it. I make a few attempts to contact housing and the don't return my calls after taking my name and number. I call the cops about neighbors disturbing the peace and they do nothing.  I've been doing a little bit of research about breaking my lease on this shithole but I don't have the money to have some guy come down and make an official inspection of the place. I don't have the money for legal fees, and I don't have the money to pay off the months of rent I still owe.

Dan's offered to fix the floor himself. Nice as that would be- considering the shitty state of everything here, we'd get in trouble for it.

Thankfully, I'll catch a small break next month. On the 14th-16th I'll be spending the night and hanging out with a friend that I met up with on gaia. The weekend after that I'll be flying to Chicago for ten days to spend time with my mom and cousin. Hopefully the time away from this filthy pit will give me enough of a boost to get through the remaining five months following so I can just go home. I'll leave all my furnature here, just take what I can pack and get out of here. Dan should be able to find a room mate- especially if he's already got a fully furnished bedroom for them to move into.

I've decided that I am taking the cat though. For one, I paid for her. I repaid Laura the fifty dollars it cost to get her, I've dished out nearly $80 for her shots and boosters, I've bought all her food, supplies, and litter, and I've been taking care of her. I'm the one to get her out of the apartment when the landlord's around, I clean up her closet and her litter box, I feed her, etc. As bad as I feel about taking the cat, Dan plans on staying in this very apartment. I've always been raised to take care of an animal to the best of my ability. If you can't afford to provide the best health care for a pet, you shoudln't own one. I know that if she stays she won't get fixed. Someone will hear her yowl and Dan will be forced to give her up. If he does plan on leaving, he'll have a hell of a time finding a place that allows cats. Also, he can't afford the best food, nor does he know much about animal nutrition, so she'd be on generic stuff that would lead to liver failure and uti's within a few years. I can't do that. At least with me, she can stay at my parent's house until I find a place that allows for pets- which in Oregon is much easier.

I just can't stay here. I'm miserable, I'm sick, and I'm tired. I come home to a cat, my room mate and friend never has time for me. Any free time he has he dedicates to having other friends over or Laura over. I don't like having to lock myself in my room when certain people come over. I don't like coming home to talk about my day to a cat or the furnature, I don't like having to work between two jobs and a pile of commissions just to keep my head above water. I want to be a good friend, I want to help- but it's not been worth it.

I don't show that I care through words. I can't talk well, it's kind of pathetic. I studder, I babble, I mix up thoughts, I word things wrong, and I say things backwards. I can't speak very well, and I have difficulty saying what I want to say. I've found that showing someone I care does a lot more than trying to say it. I gave up a lot to come here, hell I gave up just about everything. I spend nights staying up later than I like to working on art for my friend, I worry when he's out too late or when he seems upset. But it's once in a blue moon that he gives me any of his valuable time.

I'm lonely, I'm sick, and I'm exhausted. I just want to go home and pick up where I left off. Really I never wanted to be anything great. The only real ambition I've retained since my childhood was to write a book based on all the characters and stories I've played through. Dan's kinda...lost interst in that as well. I feel like I've lost a whole year of my life, of any progress I would have made in school, finding work,w ith my family, friends, and my single ambition.

I'm done. I can only be a good friend for so long. There's a point where I gotta do something that's good for -me- for a change.

Mold Dangers & Remedies

Molds are simple, microscopic organisms present virtually everywhere, indoors and outdoors.  Molds, including all mushrooms and yeast, are fungi and are needed to break down dead material and recycle nutrients in the environment.  Molds to grow and reproduce need organic materials as a food source; including leaves, wood, paper and insulation.  Add heat and humidity above 50% and you have happy mold that proliferates rapidly.

Because molds grow by digesting organic material, what molds ingest is eventually destroyed.  Molds release innumerable lightweight spores, which in most instances eventually become airborne and travel to other destinations. These destinations then can become mold infested and sometimes toxic.

Negative Health Effects of Mold 

Molds produce negative health effects through inflammation, allergy or infection.  Allergic reactions, including fever, are common after mold exposure.  Symptoms of those exposed to toxic molds which issue mycotoxins both individually or in combination are:

•  Immune system suppression

•  Respiratory problems including asthma and infections

•  Eye irritation with burning, watery or reddened eyes

•  Cough – dry and hacking

•  Nose or throat irritation or both

•  Skin rashes or irritation

•  Memory impairment

•  Irritable bowel syndrome

•  Body aches and pain (Chronic Fatigue)

•  Food Intolerances and allergies

•  Headaches

•  Mood swings

•  Nasal and sinus congestion

Who Is Most At Risk From Toxic Mold Exposure? 

For some people, a small amount of mold spores can create health problems, particularly asthma and respiratory ailments, while others can tolerate an extremely high amount of spores prior to ill effects. Those most susceptible to mold health problems are individuals with existing respiratory conditions. 

Persons with weakened and suppressed immune systems, particularly those in treatments such as chemotherapy and the elderly, are at higher risk.  Infants and young children likewise are more susceptible to serious health problems from mycotoxin exposure.  Anyone with health problems believed due to mold infestation and exposure should seek professional medical assistance immediately.   

If you suspect you are ill due to exposure to mold in a building, you should probably vacate the home or building, at minimum until the cause and presence of mold is evaluated and removed, if necessary by professionals.

It's been a long week already. Monday I spent the entire day working on a commission. Thankfully, I got it done. I only have one more in the first set to complete. The set afterwards is much easier on my hands and far less time-consuming. My goal is to finish all the paid commissions by mid-March so I can have time to do a few gift pieces before my trip. I also have to do a few more t-shirt designs for Carl before the trip. Yesterday I spent the better part of the morning trying to resolve the matter of the mildew growing under our broken radiator. The landlord had me call housing who only took my number and said they'd call me back later. I've yet to hear back from them. The landlord called again near closing and told me he'd be dropping in to see the damage for himself. So after I got home, I spend much of the night cleaning again. This morning I woke up early to hide away anything that would clue anyone into my having a cat, packing up Mudkip, and running out the door. I left way earlier than I was due, mainly because I didn't even want to run the risk of passing the landlord on my way out. Mudkip's very good, but she still cries when I take her out in her carrier. I didn't have time to make coffee so I dropped into a Starbucks for the first time since I left Oregon. Even the coffee on this coast sucks, it was kind of disappointing. I stopped in to update Dan on what all was going on, then headed off to work. I ended up sitting downstairs for a half hour before my shift started.

It was a pretty routine Wednesday. I hate working these days...honestly. I hate working opening shift. I hate working with Mindy, and I hate working with Christina. They talk down to me, act like I'm new still, and talk down any dog that isn't a poodle. I come into work, and every single time they tell me the dogs need to be walked. I know the dogs need to be walked! I walk them every day I come in with or without the reminder. I help put away the order, and they talk to me like I'm an idiot.

"Okay, don't touch those, they've not been checked in!"
"I know... I was scooting them over to clear the aisle."
"Okay, those need to go there-"
"I know. I organized that grid rack."
"Okay, this is a special order."
"I know, I'm the one that took the order."

Over and over, every Wednesday. The order comes in, they tell me to put away the frozen. I know to put away the frozen. I do it every week. I check it in, count up everything, put it away. Then everyone and their dog asks me if I checked it in before putting it away. The answer's the same every week.

I clocked out early so I could work on the window. I had Mudkip there so I wanted to get to the window soon as possible so I could leave soon as possible. I just hope that Mindy includes all the windows I'm doing on my next check. By the time my next check rolls around, I should have $150 in window commission. Here's hoping. I'd like to have some extra money for the trip. I'm gonna have to check a bag afterall. Gonna have enough to leave Dan the rent before I go, so that's a good thing.

So after the window was done, I walked home. I hooked up with Dan on his way home and we kinda hung out off and on while he cooked dinner. I say this every other entry, but I'll say it again- I don't express affection well in words. I like to just be in the room with a friend. So it meant a lot that he sat on the couch to eat his lunch and watch a show with me.

Dan needed some help with his homework, so I spent the rest of my night working on that for him. His deadlines are a little more urgent than mine, and the way I see it- if he's not as busy, maybe we can hang out more or I can rope him into some rp with me.

Once I finished up the artwork, I picked up the kitchen and took out the trash. I can't sleep knowing I'm gonna wake up to a sink full of dishes or two garbage bags worth of trash. I'll have clean dishes in the dish washer to eat breakfast out of and a clean place to enjoy before work. Tomorrow's my longest work day of the week. It's kinda sad that my week consists of looking forward to Sunday night so I can work through Monday (My day off) and get more artwork done. My days off really...aren't. Mom wants me to go look around Boston and see the sights...but...

Well for one, I don't like 'seeing sights' by myself. It's really no fun. It pretty much grinds down to you walking around town by yourself. Secondly, 'the sights' in Boston are old buildings. Not even -cool- old buildings. Cool old buildings in my book are castles, ruins, etc. Not...old buildings that have been converted into community centers. I don't care to see the city, I hate cities, that much is obvious. The 'sights' I enjoy are natural or ancient. Waterfalls, mountains, open landscapes, canyons, painted hills, etc.

Then there's the museums.

Maybe interesting with a friend...but then again- you're walking through a building looking at stuff. I'm not huge on art galleries, which is strange coming from an artist, but I've just never really enjoyed it. I'm not the type to stand in front of a statue or painting to pretend that I'm looking for its deeper meaning or whatever. Some museum displays are interesting- but again, it's lame when you're alone and again- it costs money.

There's really nothing I want to see. The things I want to do involve having a friend around so...yeah.

Wish I could afford a gym membership. I could spend my time off running or swimming. I feel largely inactive- even with DDR.

Anyway. We have a staff meeting tomorrow at work. I'm not really looking forward to it. Mindy's gonna want me to work on Saturdays. I need the hours...badly. Especially with Blue Buffalo potentially cutting me back to one shift a week. One short shift a week.

At least I have things I can look forward to. On the 14th I'm gonna figure out the busses enough to visit a friend I met off gaia. She's gonna show me around Boston a bit, take me shopping, and let me stay the night to watch movies and play games. The 17th Suikoden DS comes out, and on the 20th I'll be heading to Chicago for 10 days. When I get back, I'm gonna pick up the new Poke'mon game. By the time next month's over- only 5 months before I can go home.

I think I'm pretty much done with hoping for a relationship. Every guy I've had a thing for either turns out to be something completely opposite of what I'd like in a guy personality-wise, or he has eyes for someone more...attractive or morally loose. There's some friendships I can't even think to hold as strongly as I once did.

Cliff for instance. I've known the guy since 7th grade. I met him in a private Christian School, perhaps the one school year in all my life that I truly enjoyed to the fullest. We were best friends up through high school. I'd spend hours on the phone with him, we'd hang out all the time, and we shared all our interests and beliefs, it was great. However, come high school, I became baggage. When we would hang out, he'd constantly ask me to walk away or stand and wait while he tried getting a girl's phone number. I took to timing each attempt to amuse myself. I hit a wall with Cliff when he invited me to a school dance then asked me not to hang around him so no one thought we were an item. I spent the entire dance sitting in the back of the auditorium being laughed at because I was drawing instead of dancing. I walked home alone.

We started talking lightly towards Senior year, then much more after wards. We hung out a few times but it was never the same. Eventually he asked me out and, because I believed that he was a good guy, I said yes. However- I told him flat out that we would not get physical until I said so. No kissing, no cuddling, no holding hands until I was comfortable with it- and most defiantly no sex. Within five minutes, he said never mind. I didn't talk to him for a while after that. Before I left, I made it clear that he hurt me bad, but I still forgave him. He's still my friend, but I can't really say that I trust him. He wants to live with me but I can't live with a sex addict. I just can't... especially if he's wanting me to hook him up with a lady friend of mine so he has someone to...mess around with. The last time I (indirectly) hooked up two friends of mine, one stopped talking to me, and the other...hasn't been the same. I'm not doing it again.

In the situation with Tyler, I was head over heels for him for years. I was his friend, he was mine, and we were very comfortable with each other. He'd invite me over, I'd play games and he'd nap when he was tired. I liked it because really... we were that comfortable with each other. When I told him how I felt, he (gently) let me down. It wasn't until he'd asked out (and was turned down by) a few of his other, more attractive, lady friends that he decided to pull the 'I love you' bit. By then... I was getting to see a side of him I didn't like.

The list goes on and on. Even my more recent crush I don't have any chance with. He's got girls hanging off of him constantly, none of which I can hold a candle to in any way. I'm just...the girl who's one of the guys.

I want a son...but I'm not even going to adopt. A kid needs a mom and a dad, not just a mom. There's things that a man can give his children that a woman just can't...the messed up family 'norm' these days has a lot to do with why it sucks to be human presently. I won't contribute, no matter how well-intended it is.

Anyway. Long day tomorrow. I gotta be at work in 12 hours (depressing factoid!~). So I'm gonna hop off. Not that anyone reads this shit anyway. XD

I remember watching the sun set from the window of the plane. The clouds had all turned red and orange, slowly fading into black and blue as the sun fell farther and farther into the western sky. I remember thinking that it was ironically appropriate that the sun set over the place that I had called home for longer than any one place in my life. I remember how everyone always told me that all I needed to do in order to be happy was to move out, to move away. I still remember watching the gold and red fade into black. The first time I saw Boston, I remember a chill running down the back of my neck. There were no trees, no patches of green anywhere to be seen, even the stars had faded with the western sun.

I remember the first time I stood in an underground train station. The thick, damp smell of the city. Old, rotting stone, cracked asphalt, trash, exhaust, and people. There was no refreshing smell of trees, grass, and wind. I was terrified as we stepped into what would become my block, I remember thinking that back home- I would avoid places like that even if it meant going three miles out of the way.

The two words that finally shook me back into reality came from Laura- "Welcome Home."

I remember looking around the apartment, actually letting everything sink in at those two words. I badly wanted to say that it wasn't home. That already it didn't feel right, already I realized that I had made a mistake. Instead I bit my lip and walked into the apartment.

I cried myself to sleep that night, cursing myself over and over again. When I woke the next morning, I was genuinely disappointed that it wasn't in my own bed to Fatso licking my eyelids so I'd get up to feed her. I rolled over, half expecting to see Nicky curled up in her piles of stuffed animals and blankets, half expecting to see the trees out my window and hear the swim class kids walking down the street towards the neighborhood swimming pool.

Now and then I still do.

Dan's right. I was miserable the moment I arrived. Perhaps even before I touched the ground. However, to say that I have not given the place a chance is a bit unfair. I've given it more of a chance than I ever dreamed I would. More of a chance than Dan's willing to give Oregon- and it's irritating beyond description.

I've never liked cities. I've never been shy in expressing that aspect of my nature either. Anyone who even knows a little bit about me knows that I like to see the horizon line, I like to smell nature, to see trees and stare at hills in the distance. Here, I feel like I'm trapped. I can't see past the next building, I've not touched grass for months, I've not heard the sound of branches in the wind. My spirit's slowly taken a toll as well. I've grown distant, listless, and angry. Always angry. I'm even losing sleep. I've taken to short naps during the day because I never sleep at night. I remember blacking out for an hour or two, waking up and struggling to get back to sleep. I wake up...numb. Not tired, not awake, not eager or dreading anything, just there and listless. My dreams used to be vivid and even hopeful. My most recent one was of someone trying to rape me and me turning into a dragon to defend myself.

I mean honestly- what the hell?

I can't find a church either. I can't find another friend in this hellhole. I can't find anywhere to sit and smell clean air or watch the hills. The only place I feel remotely safe in is my bedroom, even then all I can do to keep my sanity is write and draw. I want to hang out with Dan more, to have maybe an hour a day where we're friends rather than an hour a week. I've not been able to get him to rp with me, and I'm more disappointed than I should be- but it's one of the very few things that 'wakes me up' anymore.

I wish I could convince him to move to Oregon with me. He's mentioned how he's gonna be pretty well screwed come this summer. I'm leaving, there's no if's, and's, or butt's. There's no future for me here. I'm so far from everything that I know and love, and as the year went on, the more I realized how much I had back home. The economy's bad anywhere you go. Back home I have to deal with illegals and the whole "requirement" to speak Spanish. Here I have to deal with having to keep my head down when someone mentions politics or religion.

I've decided to finish my degree at Chemeketa then transfer over to OSU. Mom and Mary will be going to school as well so we can either carpool together or Mary and I can share a dorm. The campus in OSU is beautiful, Corvallis is an awesome place to be, and OSU has one of the best forestry programs. I can become a park ranger, a forest manager, or work in wildlife conservation. I'd love to work at Silver Falls or out near Clear Lake. I'd be in Oregon again, close to my family when they need me and surrounded by nature again.

Dan would have a good shot there as well. A degree from Western would almost guarantee him a good job. Ai's, no matter where you get the diploma from, are pretty much expensive schools with no future. My dad is a career counselor. Not a single person who's come to him in the years he's worked with a diploma from an Ai has found a job. Oregon has a few animation studios, I know Pixar is opening one in Washington, and Caroline was done in Portland as well. Saying that there's no future in art in Oregon is...well untrue.

Part of it is that I don't think Dan's ever had anyone genuinely care for him. Family, friends, etc. My family is...different. I'd like to say that it's a strong, traditional family but more and more, a traditional family is pretty well screwed up by American standards. I see Dan as a brother, so my family would take him in as such. The Browns are already like extended family, Kathy and Carl are pretty much my little siblings, and Tabby's practically Nicky's twin.

I'm a bit insulted by having given up a year of my life to give this place a shot...but Dan won't give up even a week to see where I came from, to see life through my eyes. I don't think he's happy here. No one's happy here. Everyone's life revolves around the lives of others- be them the Red Sox or Obama. No one ever talks about their own life because no one wants to be living their life. Many work more than one job, live in a crappy apartment, and most know nothing better.

I'd rather be struggling pay check to pay check in a place where I can get away and climb rocks, put my feet into rivers, and watch the hills rather than coming home to sit alone in an apartment room where my only view is that of drunken neighbors and the garbage piling up along side their house. At least I can look forward to getting off work, look forward to going home again, rather than looking forward to sleeping away another night and striking off another day on my calendar. This isn't living. This is existing. This is pitiful, pathetic, and unhealthy.

Date:	2009-02-19 02:25
Subject:	Done with a lot of things.
Security:	Public
Mood:	Aggressive

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses that make up who they are. One of my many weaknesses is that I'm a slow learner in just about every aspect of my life. It takes me a while to figure something out, to realize something, etc. However, to balance that little shortcoming out, once I learn something I pretty much get it down. I'm sure if you threw me back into Big Town Hero I could bake a day's worth of bread without missing a step, even if it's been five years since I've baked.

One of the lessons I've come to learn slowly is that I need to stop trying to keep people close to me that are quite frankly not good associations. Another lesson I need to learn is to be more direct. So rather than writing three paragraphs about 'someone' who's doing 'this and that', I'm gonna be up front so these someones know what's bothering me.

One philosophy of mine is that if you're a true friend, you'll be honest. No matter how much it hurts to hear the truth. Fluffy bullshit doesn't help anyone. Some people are addicted to the stuff. Me? I'm quite allergic to bullshit in all it's forms.

Okay so here we go. I'm fully prepared to get a nasty phonecall, read a nasty journal or comment somewhere, or hear through the grapevine that I'm some horrible person- but whatever. I can keep my head high knowing I told it how it is.

Heather:
Yeah, I'm sure you're not talking to me because I bashed on Mystic Terror. Big whoop. I can't stand playing in it anymore. For one, originality seems to be -discouraged-. You're super awesome if you play a fan character ripped from an anime or game or you throw a bunch of chatterbox cleche's into a blender and play what shoots out. Secondly, unless your character is kissing ass to one of three star characters, they won't go anywhere. Three- everything's taken personally. My characters don't like other characters, it's not a personal attack. There's just some people that don't like other people. That's realistic. Having everyone crap their pants when someone mentions Asellus is a little over the top. Four- anyone trying to throw in a plot twist will be ignored if the plot isn't about making Edward or one of Asellus' line look awesome. Laura tried, I tried, both events were ignored and forgotten within a day of game play. However- Thomas dumps Alhora for every reason under the sun and the entire town not only knows about it but insists that he's in love still. That boarders on god-moding.

So yeah. The game aside- you've not spoken to me. Yeah I've not bothered to poke you, but aside from Mystic Terror, we have nothing in common. You get offended when I talk about anything important to me, and I can't help but roll my eyes when you talk about black Christmas Trees and illegal drugs. We have -nothing- else in common. So I've had no reason to call you on the phone. Every time I have it's turned into a fight.

So yeah. If you wanna sit and pretend you're the victim, have at. I'm not sitting here going "ZOMG I HATE JO" because honestly I don't, I just came to realize that when I decided to stop and back out of an online rp game our 'friendship' broke down. So yeah. I'm here to talk, but I'm out of Mystic Terror for the most part. I will play if everyone decides that they actually want to aknowlege my characters that are within Thalusa for a reason (Like Veriot living with Riin or Silence with Edward), but pretty much everyone else is leaving.

Erin:
I'm tired of explaining every single action, thought, or word out of my character's mouths. Just because they respond in a way that you don't think makes sense or in a way that you don't like doesn't mean that you have to sit there and have me explain why. People interpret things differently. In some cultures, giving the 'okey-dokey' hand sign is like flipping the bird, in some you can walk around butt-naked while in others that's not acceptable. I don't like having to remind you that my characters have a different mindset from most of the others in MT. I don't like you getting upset that my characters don't like yours. Yes, there's not many of mine that tolerate many of yours- but let's face it...if you didn't change the font color in the chat, I wouldn't know Asellus from Autumn half the time. That and you've tried playing Asellus off as being an overall not-well-liked person then you freak when characters actually don't like her! If she's gonna be the victim, let her be the victim.

Secondly, I'm tired of the run around. I have characters sitting outside of the building where a conflict happens, and they don't notice. That boarders on god-moding. Sano busts out and I had not one but two characters watching the facility specifically because they suspected he'd get out. He outright said he would! But neither was there? I call godmoding. However because of 'player conflicts' I wasn't allowed in. I play on Gaia (hello), I know how to play with people I don't like. I've done it a few times in MT before.

If I'm needed, if it makes sense for my character to be there, let me in on it. But I'm not gonna waste any creative energy making up new characters, trying to come up with plotlines, cultures, languages, etc. to enhance a game that will forever revolve around Asellus/Autumn and Edward/Alhora. For the most part, I'll play in Rhy'din where I'm invited in.

_____

So there we go. Now everyone can stop wondering why Kelly's not asking to play, why Kelly's being evil and not talking, etc.

I'm not gonna sit there and pretend to be okay with talk of smoking pot, praying to the earth, Obama-worship, and the reasons why killing unborn babies is okay. I'm just not, I'm tired of it. If there's one thing Boston's taught me is that being silent SUCKS. I can't even find a church that I can attend. I have to be around people that I have things in common with. People I can trust. People that won't use me to make them feel better than turn their backs when I need a hand. People that don't sit and criticize everything I do then play "Well I have it worse" when I just need to vent. People who will stop feeding me bullshit and come up and say what they want to say.

If you guys decide that you're not willing to work things out, that's fine. I'm not gonna play this he said she said bullshit. I don't like losing friends, but if a fanfic game was all that held us together, it wasn't a friendship to begin with.

The dreams I had last year have been kind of bothering me lately, so I looked up some dream info sites, did a little bit of research to get some insight. I'm gonna write down the few that have hunt over me for the last few years/weeks/months. Unfortunately I have to work today. XD If anyone has any other insight, feel free to speak up.

Dream 1: (I had this dream a while ago, probably more than a year ago at this point- way before the idea of moving to Boston came up.)
It starts out with a large party hosted by my dad, it’s set in the early evening just as the sun starts to set. My family, my dad’s party guests, and just about everyone else is downstairs, in the back and front yard. I’m upstairs with a guy friend of mine. I don’t recognize him, I never use his name, all I can remember is that he’s very tall, very thin, and has red hair just past his ears.  We’re just upstairs hanging out, talking, and looking over stuff in my room.

The door bursts open and one of the men from downstairs comes in followed by a few more of his men. I hear my dad yelling somewhere downstairs. My friend and I run to the window and crawl out to a tree house just outside of the window. Once we’re there he tells me I gotta keep going. The men were scrambling across the rope between my bedroom window and the tree house. My guy friend shoves me out of the tree house and I start to fly. It takes me a while to get around the trees, power-lines, and other buildings, but once I’m clear I look back. I remember seeing my buddy just kind of watching me fly off while the party erupts into chaos.

I keep flying. All I can remember of the landscape was a large open field that went on out into a bay by the sea. I remembered that I had an aunt that lived in the area so I landed there to get some rest and ask for some refuge until I had things figured out. I don’t ever remember seeing my Aunt or having the conversation, I just kind of knew that I had asked to stay and she’d given me a room. When I woke up it was night time again and the men from the party were in the front yard knocking on the door. My aunt let them into the house and I once again jumped out the window and started to fly off.

I remember flying over the ocean, fighting the wind in some places. I came to a small island as the sun started to come up again. Rather than risking the ocean for another few hours, I landed for some rest.

The island was covered in flowers and small hills, the only house on it belonged to a small girl and her mother- both were mute. They invited me in, gave me something to eat, and allowed me to stay and rest for as long as I needed to. The girl kept showing me dolls that she had around the room and pictures of her dad. I remember feeling completely safe there, but I still felt that I had to keep going.

I left the island in the morning and flew until I came to a wall of cliffs bordering the sea. Tired from the flight over the water, I decided to land and catch my breath. As I came closer to the rocks (It was sunset by then) I noticed that people were living in the cliffs in very small, simple rooms. All of them looking out through barred windows- but none seemed to mind. I remember landing outside of one of the windows where a young woman just sat looking out, she didn’t even seem to notice me there.

I never dreamed past that.

Important Images:
- My guy friend: I don't remember ever seeing his face, but I remember feeling very calm, very safe around him. He was a tall guy with lean features and red hair. When danger came looking for me, he helped me to escape at the cost of his own safety.
- The ocean bay: It was a very beautiful place but there was something haunting about it. The field around it was completely green, no flowers, no sand, nothing. I remember seeing mountains in the far distance and the ocean seemed perfectly still. No waves, no rocks, no boats.
- The flower Island: An island with large, misty hills and colorful flowers. The cottage was white and had a very serene feel to it.
- The cliffs: They almost looked orange and red- like fire in the sunset. There were thousands of small windows covered in bars that grew out of the rocks. Each of the small homes was lit in orange, each had people sitting quietly, listless, looking out.

Feelings/Emotions:
- Safety around my friend in the beginning replaced by confusion rather than fear when I was forced to flee.
- Lonely while I was flying towards the bay.
- Suspicious around my aunt and within her house.
- Safe but restless on the island of flowers.
- Lonely over the water again.
- Confused and almost defeated at the cliffs.

People in the Dream:
- My friend. Again, I never saw his face or knew his name.
- The men from the party: Never saw their faces either, I only ever 'saw' them from the neck down.
- My family. I knew they were there, but I never saw them.
- My aunt. Again, I never saw her, I simply knew that she was there.
- The girl and her mother: Both were very quiet, they really had no solid look, just female figures that seemed to glow.
- The people in the cliffs: They all looked sick, thin, and listless. But they were the only people in my dream with faces.

Ties to Life:
At the time, there were no ties at all. The dream hung over me, it still kind of does. But now looking back- I was with my family but something was pushing me away, making me feel confused to the point where I had to flee. A male friend of mine was the final word on my leaving home. Perhaps it was foreshadowing my move to Boston. I was among my family, but I wasn't settled, I was more confused than anything. When the confusion erupted to a climax, Dan was the only person I felt safe taking advice from- so I flew away. After I was in the air, clear of all the things in my way, I looked back to see my home and family in chaos. My dad was in trouble with the people he worked for (his party guests).

I still can't quite figure out the bay, the discomfort around that point, or the island of flowers.

I think the cliffs by the sea represent Boston. You couldn't see beyond the cliffs, it was nothing but stone in red light. The people lived in small stone homes looking out through barred windows- but seemed content. I had the feeling they didn't know any other life. I landed there and sat outside of one of the windows, feeling tired, lonely, and defeated.

Media Ties:
None really.

Double-meanings:
Can't think of any.

Dream Symbols: (Both my own guesses and common interpretations)
- The party/chaos:
I think that the party was a representation of the period when my family felt secure in their finances. Dad and mom were working, we had enough money to live comfortably, and we splurged on unessicary comforts. Then chaos errupted, the party guests (which I knew in the dream were people that my dad worked for) came after me. I think it's the pressure that I would soon feel under the financial burden that fell on my family as a result of the 'party'. I felt like I was being driven of my home and family in the chaos.
- My friend:
The more I think on it, the more I think that the guy in the beginning was Dan. I never saw his face, never heard him talk, but I remember him smiling when I finally flew away from my home. He was genuinely concerned for me when the confusion hit a climax and felt the best course of action was for me to fly away from it- but he left me to fly away alone.
- Flying:
To me, flying has always been something I've wanted to do. Growing up I'd daydream about flying, I'd draw flying people and animals, I was obsessed with the idea of flight. Even in a plane I'm more comfortable than I ever am on the ground when I can look out the window and see everything below me. When I'm flying in my dreams I feel free, happy even if I'm running away from something- but I'm always alone.
"Metaphor of personal power in dreams. Flying to escape a pursuer suggests confidence in one’s ability to avoid, or outmaneuver, fears and problems in our life. Difficulty gaining elevation (we have to “bounce” off the ground, or fly around obstacles), suggests doubts about our ability to reach a destination. Fears of landing reflect uncertainty about the future; we don’t know “where we will land.” Dreams of soaring unfettered above the Earth reflect feelings of empowerment. We are confident in our ability to “reach any destination,” and feel “on top of the world.”
- The field/Bay:
The field was weird to me. It was beautiful but I never really felt safe or settled there. I could see mountains and a calm ocean without a single wave. If anything, It was a suspicious place. I felt left out in the open.
- Flowers:
I'm still not too sure what I thought about the flowers. They weren't any specific kind, but they were every color I could imagine and they seemed to cover the entire island.
"To see flowers blooming in barren soil without vestage of foliage, foretells you will have some grievous experience, but your energy and cheerfulness will enable you to climb through these to prominence and happiness."
- The Sea:
Flying over the sea was lonely, but that and some occassional wind was really the only challenge I faced. There were no waves, no ripples, no birds or fish at all.
- The Island:
I know that Islands normally represent isolation of some sort, but in the Isolation the girl had her mother, it was a comforting place.
- The girl and her mother:
I think the girl and the mother were shadows of myself and my mother. The island felt more drellike than anything, completely safe and beautiful. My mom has always been the one person in the family that I can trust with anything, no matter what. The girl showing me pictures of her dad I think plays off of how my dad and I were never really close- though I always wanted to be. I think the dolls were the only company that the girl had- being on an island with just her mom and herself.
- The rocks:
I think the red cliffs represent Boston and how I veiw cities. You can't see anything but rock and stone, you're confined to small, lonely dwellings, and most of the people around you know nothing but this sort of life. They've accepted their place, and while they seem content- they also seem unhappy and listless. When I landed on the rocks I felt defeated, lonely, and sad.

Summery?:
I think the dream foreshadowed my trip to Boston, the journey between my home and the cliffs were the things I would learn or realize. I think the guy was Dan telling me to leave the chaos of my home, the chaos represented the financial problems that my family faced and the discontent of my dad's work, but he's trapped in it to keep the family provided for. I think the cliffs represent Boston.

I know I'm the 22-year-old single wonder, but I've sat on the sidelines watching both sides of just about any kind of relationship there is and have come to logical conclusions about why things don't work.

Here are the worst problems I've seen in relationships:

1: Sex.
Anyone that can't wait has no sense of control and whether or not they want to admit it- sex becomes the foundation of their relationship. I have so many friends that I know would lose their significant other if all the sudden they stopped being able to perform in bed.

Sex is not meant to serve as a way to keep a pre-marital relationship going. People these days will use any excuse in the book to say otherwise, but it's just their way of justifying that they've given away their innocense or have had it taken from them.

A girl at work made fun of me for my purety ring, she firmly believes that the reason I'm so 'up tight' is because I need to 'get laid'. However, the more I learn abotu her, the more sorry I am for her. She lost her virginity at fourteen- and she thinks that's great! She believes sex is the cement of a relationship. One question that she asked me still appauls me- "What if you get married and the person your with sucks in bed?"

Well if you're a virgin- how would you know? That's the thing. If you don't know, and you experience it with one person, only one, then there can be no comparison. There's nothing to make them look better or worse than someone else. It's not meant to be a contest, it's not meant to be the foundation of whether or not you stay with a person. It's giving the one person you love the one thing that NO ONE ELSE can EVER have. It's the ultimate wedding gift- and it's your way of saying that they're yours and you are theirs. Period.

2: In love with an idea.
It's not the person that you're in love with, it's the idea of being in a relationship, it's the idea of being in love. Romantics at heart want so badly to be in love, to know this magical thing, this most sacred of things, this most powerful of things- unfortunately it's also the rarest of things. Most of the time, Romantics will seek it out so hard that they'll blind themselves. They'll get into relationships just so they can be in a relationship. This time of the year especially. There's hearts everywhere, flowers, gifts, chocolates- they want to be wrapped up in this blissful fluffy haze so badly that they'll pretend.

Yes, pretend. There's no real love for the person in most of these situations. Another one is that they're so in love with someone else that it hurts to be alone, so they seek out a person, any person, to get involved with so they can be in a relationship. Replacement perhaps? Filling that gap that's empty because the person they have eyes for isn't interested or is taken.

3: Attention.
People so badly want to feel wanted, want to feel needed that they'll get into a relationship so they can feel just that. These are the girls that call boyfriend seven times a day to know what he's thinking, leave glittery notes up on their myspace page, and demand that they call eachother by their pet names. They also like to show public displays of effection so the world knows that they're loved by someone. In this case- what the person needs is most definately NOT a relationship but a good friend. In most cases these people come from bad family situations.

Bottom line?
I'm tired of watching my friends get hurt because they're lying to themselves. They're in love with an idea rather than the person or they're so desperate for attention that they'll put themselves into a situation that opens itself up so easily to abuse. I've been accused of being heartless, selfish, and incapable of love. I've been accused of being childish for my beliefs- but bottom line is that I've never been in a relationship because I know what I want in a life long partner. It's true, I don't know what it feels like to be in love- but really, neither do many other people. Even the ones running out right now to buy goo-goo teddy bears and chocolates for eachother.

I hate being sick... I honestly do. You waste an entire day whether or not you're working, you feel crappy and weak, and most of the time you don't feel well enough to even get a good rest in. I didn't feel great this weekend starting on my way home on Saturday. Sunday was a very long day for me, I ended up coming home a half hour early simply because my head started to really bother me. When I got up yesterday I felt a little better, not too much, but enough to work. Closing shifts are easy anyway. By the end of the shift my head really started to bother me. By the time I got home I decided it was better to just go to bed. I watched my shows, took a bath, then hit the hay. This morning I woke up and nearly threw up. I figured that was a clue enough to say home today.

I hated calling out- mainly because if they manage well without me today, they might just cut my hours back. I lose the hours this week- thankfully one of my commissioners is paying for two parts of a sixteen part commission.

My boss is concerned that it's the apartment making me sick all the time. Granted, this is the first time that I've -ever- called out of this job. Sick or not, I go to work. I've been sent home early once, but that was the worst of it. I wouldn't doubt that the apartment is part of it. There's mildew growing under the floorboards. It's weird for me to say, but I can -smell- it almost constantly. I burn inscense (which probably doesn't help much) to block out the smell. I've no doubt that I have an allergy towards mold and mildew. Ever since we tore out the floor and walls at work to replace them, I've not been struggling with my allergies as much. I mean yeah there's dogs there, but I've not had to buy allergy meds or any of that.

I slept on and off though the day. Between naps I worked on commissions. I got Pao's all done and pumped out two smaller ones before I finally got tired and shut down the computer. I want to burn through enough commissions to 'earn' doing a personal piece (or two) to mark the 'anniversary' off The Civil War of Para, which I'd have played with Dusty for a year come the 19th of this month. It seems silly, but honestly right around the time I was ditched out by everyone else, Dust offered to play with me. Ever since, she and I have been playing  like mad, both of us loving it. We've both made our characters into cosplays around gaia, often times gifting one another with cosplays or art that we've commissioned. It's the third run of the game honestly, the first time I tried running with the old group a few years ago, second time it was just me and Rob- this time's the one that stuck, and honestly, I think this is the best run the story's had. Dust's an awesome friend and an awesome player. 

I just drive a lot of energy out of originality. The more I think about it, the more I've come to realize that's part of my problem with getting motivated these days. I don't like playing characters that are ...fan characters, and I can't -stand- playing with other fan characters. For one, it ruins the source. I don't think I'll ever be able to finish The Last Unicorn. I don't think I can ever play SaGa frontier, I don't think I'll even be able to watch Escaflowne the same way after creating a fan character. It just kind of...kills the originals. It's the reason why I won't touch Kingdom Hearts or give Inu-Yasha another chance, they've been ruined. There's a difference between playing in absolute fan games- like on gaia. But it's another thing to take a bunch of fanfics and throw them into a blender then claim they're original ideas. I feel like I'm stealing on a small level.

I've always thought of it this way-

If I were to write a book, create an anime, manga, or game...and someone started to mess around with the characters and stories that I created, I'd be -insulted-, not flattered. Fangirls insist that the creator of whatever fangasm they're ripping off should be flattered, but it's really not up to them. When an artist uses someone else's work as a reference, we give them credit- we don't sit and claim it's completely our original idea. It just doesn't feel right.

So I suppose after a day of thinking it over, I've really come to realize what the flat-out bottom line beef is with MT.
A: It's a fanfic. There's a little bit of guilt tagged on for playing in someone else's setting, however loosely based it is, with characters that are 'evolved' versions of fan characters.
B: I still have resentment for being bailed out on for a fanfic.
C: I can't take some of the characters seriously knowing their sources/modeled characters- or I lose interest in reading/playing/watching the original because of how they're played.

Anyway. Random headache-driven rant on...everything. Heh.

And yes, I'm still avoiding calls on this matter. I don't enjoy arguing on a topic if it quickly turns into a 'you suck' contest. Part of being an adult is chosing your fights.

It's strange, but more and more I feel like I'm falling away from a lot of the things that kept me and my friends together. There's always something that people have in common that brings them together. Whether it's sports or sitting in front of a screen pretending to be someone else for a few hours- if the tie gets severed, the friendship can fall apart quickly. True friendship can whether all kinds of crap- but I can't honestly say I've known true friendship. Of all the people close to me, only two that I can name have never put a knife in my back.

Trust isn't something that comes from me easily. Growing up, I had very little contact with other people. Even then I was the new kid, the weird kid obssesed with animals, the quiet kid that did nothing but draw during recess. My first 'best friend' was Sherry. She and I would draw little comics back and forth- ancient role playing you could say. There was a time I would have trusted my life in her hands. Today? She along with a handful of former friends have set out to make my digital life a living hell. From gaia to deviant art, they've put out notice after notice about what a hateful homophobe I am.

To say the least, I think it's going to be very difficult for me to ever really trust again. It's going to be hard for me to stop looking over my shoulder or needing some kind of confirmation that someone still wants me around.

Anyway, it's no secret that one of the things that makes me happy is role playing. Escaping reality for a few hours with people I care about. However, more and more- I'm not enjoying it. I've been accused of harboring ill-feelings from last year when my game was abandoned for Mystic Terror and Rhy'Din. I won't lie- I'm still very sore over it.

For one- Mystic Terror is a developed fan fic off a game that no one even liked. I have a friend who openly said that the only use he has for the game disk is using it as a coaster for his soda. Secondly, the game lacks a lot of depth and consistancy. One day things are this way, the next day they're this way. Thirdly, there's an unwritten expectation of every player. I feel like I have to fill out a specific roll that's 'destined' of my character rather than having the characters find a way to make themselves work. A few times I've put characters into places or situations where involving them would be unavoidable- but for some reason, I'm excluded from events where they'd be present or at the very least catch wind of it. There's a very limited cast of 'importance'. All of which are either in love with, or loyal to, Asellus or one of her female offspring. Anyone who has a negitive opinion of them is immediantly put on the cutting board as an extra.

Not only that- but the characters only notice things if the player feels its significant to their plot. There's no flexibility. Once someone has a plot in mind, there's no stretching it. So if, say, the center of their religious faith is attacked in the middle of the day in an explosive manner- no one notices it. It's fixed in a few hours and there's no further mention of it. A large-scale battle wages, and a character does something both amazing and unexpected, taking out a baddie who was wiping the floor with all the other leads- that goes un-noticed too. When the battle takes an unexpected bad turn- a goddess pops up to give heavenly powers to someone.

It's just...a fanfic. When I play I get criticised for every other post. I can admit that sometimes I mis-read something, I interpret things differently, or things move so quickly that I miss something while trying to catch up. Human error, but being criticised and noted every time a character does something that doesn't seem to make sense to the player, a character doesn't like another character, or I try to throw in something to expand the plot a bit- it gets old. Very, very old.

I've had players take serious offense if my -characters- dislike their characters.

Thing is- when I play, I try to play a range of personalities. Form dim-witted and over-trusting to suspicious and bitter. I'm not perfect, hell I'm not even that good of a writer, but I can come to terms with the fact that some characters just don't like other characters. Some characters are downright unlikable.

It also drives me nuts that if one character decides to break up with someone, for completely logical reasons, the entire town knows about it and gets on the guy's ass about it.

...but they don't notice the attack on their church or a little girl beating up a high-classed vampire.

I just can't stand it. Every time this stuff comes up, a voice in the back of my mind goes "I was ditched for -this-?"

Again, I won't lie. I'm proud of the setting I created. For one thing- it's an original setting with original races and original plotlines. I didn't go grabbing something off a video game. Until high school, the only game system we had was an old game boy with tetris, football, and a nascar game. Up until high school we had very little internet access (up until then the only website I was ever allowed on was the beanie baby website- don't laugh, we all collected them). Everything came out of my head, I put a lot of thought into everything. I gave days of the week their own names, came up with a history for every continent, a name for every world. Cultures for races I pulled out of my brain. A lot of thought and effort went into it- and I was ditched for a fanfic.

I don't even know if I can get Dan to play with me, even after I've reset it and worked with him on a solid story and a few more races. He got excited for a bit, then went right back to MT and Rhy'Din.

Rhy'Din's something I have loose involvement in. I have two characters who are involved when Dan decides he's up for playing with me. I've been told that in both settings I'm being excluded more and more because Zimmie's being included more and more and having me in a room with her makes everyone else uncomfortable.

Which...doesn't translate well no matter how you throw words around. It comes off to me as being replaced. Like I'm just a dried up well of talent. I rarely recieve complements on the things I come up with, the pictures I draw, and the stories I write. Even in MT I tried keeping original. More recently I've pulled fangasms out of my back end in hopes that maybe if I fanficed with everyone else that I'd get a bigger hand in the plot- but that's even fallen through.

It's sad, but I'm having more fun rping gaia crap than this stuff. I feel significantly pushed aside and left out.

So there it is- I'm sick of dealing with all this bullshit. I'm not the only one with heavy criticism towards MT and how it's being run- but it's not my game. I don't enjoy playing naughty scenes or even having my characters in relationships so that counts me out of a lot of things. I'm not gonna pick up a script and have my characters follow it to further plots that go no where. It's like watching Inu-Yasha... it just keeps going through the same story archs over and over, nothing changes accept the name of the bad guy.

If people are offended- tough. I've been fairly decent about my aggrivation on this topic, fairly decent about being ditched on in the one thing that kept me fairly sane. Hell, I've been good about being nitpicked on every time my character does something that doesn't work with the plot.

Once upon a time, that was the law of the land. There is a definite difference between people who are truely unable to care for themselves and people who are just lazy slobs. I worked with a guy in a wheelchair at PetSmart. He very well could have sat at home eating up tax payer dollars, but instead he tolerated a part-time job as a cashier. I work with a few people with mental disorders, not a single one of them lets it effect their job. Sometimes there's issues in communication, but it just takes a little bit of understanding to overcome them.

What pisses me off is that I'm practically killing  myself between three jobs. One I take on commissions, it's not exactly a typical job- nor dor I pay taxes on what I earn, but it's work none the less. I provide a serivce and a good, the commissioner provides the money. I work at a dog grooming shop during the week for peanuts, and while it kind of sounds like an easy job, it's a lot of work. I've unloaded pallets by myself consisting of bags of dog food weighing between 5-60lbs each. During the weekend I'm selling dog food. Again, it's not a -difficult- job, but being a jittery person, standing on one spot for five hours is difficult enough.

I could probibly bullshit some disorder and get some kind of government funding to do nothing all day. It'd be pretty easy nowadays where we have to tolerate to the point of taking it straight up the rear. What really grinds my gears is that while I'm out busting my ass nearly every waking hour of the day, people who by all rights should be up on their feet doing some work are sitting at home, munching on grease balls, and playing their x-box. It makes me sick when I go to the store and people who are too damn lazy to walk around use up all the electronic scooter-carts provided by the store while the elderly or -honestly- handicapped people are forced to stand and wait for the tweety-bird shirt lady to get her fat ass out of the motor cart so they can use it. My tax dollars are going to pay for people who are 'clinically obease' to stay home and make their situation worse. They get parking spots at the front of the lot, they get use of motor carts, and they get paid to make themselves fatter. My tax dollars also go to make sure that illegal citizens can get health care while I have to puff away my athsma attacks on an over-the-counter inhailer rather than having the money to afford a perscription.

Honestly, where's the justice in that? Modern times are all about tolerating the immoral. As high-and-mighty as it sounds, it's true. We have to tolerate people who have a sexual fetish and cater to them by giving them a special protected status, allowing them protection in the work place above that of a normal individual, and even 'days' to celebrate them in the work place and schools. We have to tolerate people who hide behind disorders.

I admire people with disorders. I really do. Those that get up off their asses and try to live their lives anyway. I have many friends with disabilities and they're all working hard to prove that they're not going to let a handicap keep them from living out their lives like honest people. I have a lot of respect for the cashier in the wheelchair or the bather with a mental disability. I have a lot of respect for the girl with Asperkers going through school with flying colors. I have a lot of respect for the girl who has bi-polar but holds down an honest job anyway.

I can't admire, and I will not tolerate, the lazy lard that sits on his ass and complains that he might be developing more health issues between bites of a Big Mac. I can't stand the inconsiderate individuals who demand to use the electronic scooters because it takes a lot of work to walk around a store when someone who truely can't walk stands in wait.

I can't. I'm sorry but I can't. Call me a hater if you'd like...but when people like myself and my room mate are killing ourselves to be honest, hard working people so that slobs and illegals can live off our taxes- there's something wrong.

Of course, with Obama sitting as our president, we're in for at least four more years of this tolerence bullshit, and people like myself are in for quite a long haul.

The more I look back over the years, and the more I stop to consider where I am presently, the more I realize how different my life’s been from just about everyone I know. Of all my friends, only one has an ideal family situation. Most of my friends have parents that are divorced, parents that don’t get along, have been abused in some way, shape, or form in their past. Most have had the long years sitting in front of the tv as they grew up to help shape how their present opinions and thoughts. Most are hurting so bad…and I don’t know how to fix it.

My growing up was blessed compared to all that. My parents were both in the air force, mom finished her service and attended college. My birth’s really the only reason that she didn’t finish. I’ve only recently learned that I had a few siblings ahead of me that had been aborted. Mom regrets it to this day. She explained that when she found out she was pregnant, her parents practically dragged her down to the abortion clinic so she could live out her own life. Dad was a captain in the E.O.D up until 1998.

During my growing up, I had very little social exposure. I was put through private Christian schools for much of my childhood. A few years I was even home schooled by my parents. We didn’t watch much tv either. What few stations were consistent with our traveling were things like discovery and pbs. Even then I would watch a nature documentary over any kind of cartoon or sitcom. Needless to say, I was also numb to the news. I didn’t really know what was going on in the grand scale of things, nor did I really care to. Mom listened to Rush Limbaugh since before I can remember, but it was always kind of background sound to me. It slowly became a comfort sound, even now I wish I could find an FM station that will broadcast Rush just so I can have that small comfort of my mom to wake up to.

There was never a time when I didn’t have somewhere to get away from people. Growing up, I had a thing for running off into whatever wooded area I could find for hours on end to climb trees, build forts, or simply sit and draw. In Germany, Nicky and I frequently made very large ‘clubhouses’ in the woods around our town. When we lived in the trailer park at Eola Bend, we had a year when the weather was so hot, that the river bed was completely exposed. That summer the four of us build tee pees out of tree bark that we’d stripped from fallen trees in the area.

Dan and I kind of bumped heads the other night about my opinion of Boston. I can’t understand how anyone can live in this place and honestly say that they like it here. Everything in Boston costs money. There’s no where that I can go to just get away from people, to breathe fresh air, to even hear birds singing or the sound of nothing. There’s always the roar of cars, people getting drunk and screaming, ambulances, construction, trains, etc. There’s never the sound of silence, there’s never -peace- here. I can’t see the horizon line, and even that aspect has me feeling claustrophobic. When I’m on the street I literally feel like I’m in a big concrete box. When I lift my head up and look around, all I see are buildings all around me. There’s concrete under my feet and to every side of me. There’s no where I can look to just see the sky, a field, or any of that. I can’t even see stars. On occasion I can see a planet or a satellite, but it’s quite a shock to look up at night and see an orangeish sky.

Dan doesn’t think I’ve given the place a chance. I had to calm down before really thinking it over… while he has a point- he’s also used to seeing buildings everywhere. He’s not had the nomadic existence that I’ve had. He’s always had a bunch of people, not musically friends, but individuals he could bump around with and kind of go out and do things. My friends were very few and far between. I’m not exactly a social butterfly. I’ve been badly hurt by nearly each and every one of my friends in the past. Most I don’t even talk to anymore. I’ve grown to be very untrusting and very suspicious of people. With Jeni, I felt used. Like I was an emotional crutch for her, that all she really liked me for was that I allowed her to rp with me when she wasn’t allowed to take part in the old Mystic Terror. She ditched me in a day. Heather and Kat? We were friends for almost three years, we even called each other on a pretty regular basis. All it took was me defending Dan against Jeni and my extreme disliking of yaoi for them to turn their backs. The three of them effectively made it their life’s work to make Dan and I miserable for the next few months. My reputation on gaia and DeviantArt (My two primary sources of artistic exposure) has been effectively shit on. There’s an entire list of others, but I’m not really blogging to pick at old scars.

With my suspicious nature aside, I also have very little to actually talk about. Levi was the first person to openly observe that the way I spend time with people is simply sitting in the same room with them. I love just sitting, watching movies, drawing, or playing video games with someone I care about. When I show someone I care, I don’t musically say it. I do things for them. Like bringing them a soda, cleaning up something for them, or drawing a picture. I’ve never been very good at actually speaking. I have a stutter, I get tongue-tied, and when I’m nervous, I tend to just talk without thinking. I scrape for ways to start up conversations with people. That and my views are very, very, very unliked here in Boston. I’m a very strong right-wing conservative Christian and I’m not afraid to make that known. I think that Osama’s a lying twit and we’re doomed for an economic demoralization in the next four years. So talking politics is definitely out. Most people take personal offense to my views.

The reality is that Boston is empty for me. The things that matter most in my heart of hearts are my faith, my family, my friends, my pets, and natural beauty. Here, even the churches are liberal as snot. I can’t find a place where I can enjoy the company of fellow Christians.

So in my own way, I have given Boston a chance. I looked for a church and came up empty-handed in each one I looked into or attended. I can’t find anywhere that I can go to feel rested, I can’t talk openly without having people label me as a hater. I can’t even walk to work without seeing four newspapers bashing on people who oppose Obama, flash out gay rights, and express how awesome sex is. I can’t sit somewhere and look out on trees, fields, hills, or mountains. To me, it’s very important to have a way to get away from everything for a few hours.

My growing gave me a strong devotion to the things that really matter to me. I’m fiercely protective of my faith, family, and friends. Things that matter to me aren’t something you can really buy, so I have very little drive for anything in the real world. Unfortunately, this shows in the four years plus it’s taken me to get as far on my college degree. It shows in my confusion as to what to do with myself, what major to pursue.

When I sit and think about it, I don’t want to accomplish anything huge in my life. I don’t want a high-profile job or a massive house. I’ve always just wanted a job that I can like. One that I don’t think about and dread. One that pays the bills and allows for a little of financial freedom to take trips and own a few pets. I don’t want a huge house, just a nice one for myself close to my family but somewhere that I can look out and see nothing but trees. I want to write a book out of the stories I’ve grown up with in my head.

I don’t even really want to date. Relationships mess everything up. Every friend I’ve had that gets into a relationship acts differently towards me, and I don’t want to become that. Besides, these days the definition of a successful relationship is whether or not you get laid- which I think is sick. Sorry but I do. Love isn’t found between your legs, it’s something that is far more fulfilling than getting sweaty and disgusting with someone.

Sadly, I do have eyes for someone but he’s so far above me I’ve got a better chance of  sprouting a tail than actually getting together with him. I’ve always kind of been the troll of the Bornstedt family. My little sisters have all the looks from both sides of their lineage, even Axel’s a good looking individual. I just inherited the tall, thick, and solid traits. Still, that works out fine for me. No relationship on my plate means I get to just be me. I don’t have to be anyone’s girlfriend, I don’t have to tell anyone what’s on my mind, I don’t have to worry about having guy friends, etc.

I just keep having dreams of home, dreams of being some kind of bird or sprouting wings to fly over mountains and valleys. Dreams where I can bring Dan home to know what it’s like to have a family like mine, a family that would take a bullet for you. I don’t think he really has ever had someone genuinely care for him more than the person cares for themselves. Nor do I really think he knows what its like to have a few real good friends over a few people that he kinda likes. Oregon’s not great, but now that I’m away from it, I realize how much of it I did love.

I never said I was above admitting to that.

So yesterday was my 'day off' of the week. I spent the entire day working on a still incomplete template. This is a WIP shot of what I got done so far, I got a little father before I decided it was three in the morning and itw as time to call it a night. I may increase the prices on 'realistic' or complex templates. This guy's one of six commissioned for a kirin-based breedable set for gaiaonline. One of now three breedable sets on my que.  

I got home today and I had a 14-pose set requested. Themed after dinosaurs with a realistic shading template, it's gonna take me a while. I got four of them sketched out so far. With commissions (Especially a long que like this round) I like to pump out as many sketches as possible so everyone kind of has an idea of the direction I'll be going with their request. It allows me to loosen my hand up a bit between doing templates and before starting on inking. Most of the time I sketch something for myself as a warm-up but I feel almost selfish when I do. XD

So anyway, I was up crazy late last night. Crazy stupid late- especially since I had to be up at 6:30am. I agreed to cover this monday for Kelly Fay and next monday for David. Both co-workers I really get along well with so I don't mind doing them a favor. I need the extra hours as well, though because I'm taking off both sundays for the rest of the month, it kind of evens out what I'd have made between both jobs. I do not, however, work well if I have to work without at least one day off. My days off are when I do most of my artwork, catch up on sleep I've lost, clean up the apartment, and just re-group so to speak.

I got up at 6:30, made something to eat, got dressed, grabbed my double-shot from the fridge (which I'd bought the day before knowing I was gonna need it...and badly), and headed out. It had snowed pretty hard last night, I think they said a foot in some places. So it was kind of a trudge to get to work. Much of the sidewalk hadn't been plowed or salted, so I kinda had to plow my way through. When my ipod died (again...) I became very, very aware of the massive icicles hanging from much of the buildings- so watching my head was a good way to keep me from focusing too much on the big concrete walls everywhere.

When I got to work, Christina was breaking out the snow blower (which she's effectinately named "Bruce") to dig out the store. I went on inside to take care of the dogs that had arrived and to open up the registers. While Christina doesn't like it when I do it, I removed all the pinch collars from the incoming dogs. She likes to leave them on dogs like Loup, Paris, etc. but she'll remove them from any dog that resembles a cotton ball on legs. It kinda bothers me that there's buyas against any of the dogs, but there's not much I can do. I feel like she doesn't even approve of me petting the dogs, but honestly- when I'm there I treat all the dogs as if they're mine. That's how I'd want Grettle and Diesel to be treated if they were in a daycare situation. And yelling at them all the time isn't going to make them more social. I've been completmented several times by the pet owners when they make pickups at night. Some of the dogs will nearly knock me over when I come in, they're so happy. Even passing a dog from daycare on the street the owners note that they never seem that excited to see anyone. That little aspect makes my job a bit more tolerable.

Anyway, I managed to get along with Christina fairly well today. Sometimes we just don't get along, the last time I worked a monday, in fact, I snapped at her because she was constantly on my back about -everything-. I'm glad I'm not working mondays -normally- anymore. Mainly because I'm deathly allergic to mornings, but also because I get along better with Christina when we don't have to open together. Some people get along all the time, some people I can only take in small doses. This is one such case.

So the shipment came in strangely early, so we had it all put away before noon. From there it was kind of coming up with random projects and killing time until Luca showed up. I think around that time I couldn't keep my mouth shut, I was so hyper that I just kept talking. XD Needless to say, Christina was a little weirded out and sent me home fifteen minutes early. Not that I minded- three hours of sleep and a double-shot wasn't the best combo. When I got home, I passed right out and slept for about five hours.

I got a few sketches worked out but I just don't have the energy to work on the kirin template tonight. I gotta start working on a hiring thread for SoO so the shop doesn't slow to a grind while I deal with RL commissions and Dusty works on making up all the growths that her colorists dumped on her when they ditched. We just have bad luck in our shops c_x; And our  lives apparently. I'm not complaining about all the commissions, everyone's awesome for helping out, but I hadn't planned on opening any until febuary. Life happens.

I had to include this pic. Mom sent me a bunch of photos from back home, this has to be my favorite. Grettle loves snow- LOVES IT. This is her right after lifting her head up from trying to borrow around in it. I sent this pic into Blue Buffalo and it was approved to be a trading card. Hopefully they'll send me a few. I also made one of Mudkip, so that should be fun. XD

Anyway, I'm working from 3-8 tomorrow, I should get plenty of rest in before then. I'm hoping that I can have some extra cash on friday after I get my checks to get myself a new phone. If I get paid for even one of the commissions that hasn't paid yet- I should be able to. I feel so naked without a cell phone...but I'd rather pay for a new one that'll hold up then pay for a 'cover charge' on replacing a crappy phone that's broken down on me three times in a row.

I kind of feel naked without my cell phone. All today I've reached down into my pocket to check the time, check for texts, and what have you. At one point on my walk home, I wanted to call my house and see how mom was doing. The AT&T store was closed  by the time I got off work so there wasn't much I could do about it.

My ipod died about halfway home, like it does every night. I'm not sure why, maybe it's just too old, maybe I need to get a wall charger again- but if I decide to flip through songs too many times, play with the volume too much, or poke the spinner to get the screen to light up so I can see the time, it kicks out within 2-5 songs. Which...shouldn't happen. Especially if I charged it for two hours prior to going to work. It's freakin' annoying. I might have to invest in the wall charger so it gets a direct charge rather than the crappy one it gets through the iHome, and the semi-crappy one it gets through being connected to the computer.

Anyway, after my ipod died, I kinda was left to occupy my mind. I don't like looking around and remembering that I'm in a city. It's hard to explain, and I'm sure Dan thinks I'm a basket case for even trying to explain why I'm uncomfortable here...but to me big cities are like being trapped in a cement box. All my life I've lived in smaller towns and communities. I grew up between air force bases and living in the back seat of a travel trailer while we moved between locations. Every year there'd be a long road trip. There was never a point in my life where I couldn't look out and see the horizonline, where I couldn't see hills and trees. Even in the hell hole swamp of Louisiana I could at least see the horizon line or look out into the distance. In Germany I lived just a few miles from a castle in the middle of a large wood. This is the first time I've -lived- in a city. I've passed through them before, and I've walked around them during field trips and waht have you...but never lived in one. Even on those short visits I remember feeling small and lost. Everything's labeled by street signs, numbers, names- WORDS. I can't remember numbers or words well, I still have difficulty knowing right from left in an average span of time. I've always navigated by land marks, but when your land marks are buildings, stores, and thirteen duncan doughnuts...it's easy to get lost.

When I look out, I can only see as far out as the next building. There's no horizonline, there's barely any sky, and there's definately no landscape. I don't hear birds singing on my morning walks to work, I hear traffic, trains, and people. I don't smell an oncoming rainstorm or the orchard in the next yard- I smell asphault, smoke, exhaust, and filth. I can't stand cities...I feel trapped and lost at the same time. And while cities are full of people, they're the most lonely places on earth.

On top of that, coming home isn't as great as it used to be. Our radiator's busted out in the kitchen so it shoots boiling hot water up into the air. It's done it for years, the land lord refuses to repair it because the system in this building hasn't changed since the 30's. To fix ONE radiator would mean draining the pipes of the people both above and below us. So for years this thing has sprayed hot water on the floor. The wood around the nozzle has swollen upwards, bubbling out. I can smell the mildew and mold there, most days I wake up and my nose is so stuffed up, I can't breathe. I do have allergies to cats, granted, but at home I lived with two cats and two dogs- all four animals were of a long-haired variety and it's still NOTHING compared to the sinus problems I'm having. My boss is always asking why I'm sick when I come in every day.

Bleh, anyway...

I don't like walking in silence. Normally I either talk on the phone or I listen to my ipod. It's not the safest thing, I know, but it keeps me calm enough. When walking in silence today, I had to fight not to focus on the big concrete box. I started thinking of ways to start up the book I'll be working on. I've written countless prologues, but they never read right when I get them out. So I started talking out loud- likely freaking a few people out- just to get it in my head. When I got home, I typed it up and to be honest...it's the best of the dozens I've tried.

I've always used my imagination to keep myself calm, to keep happy, or to just get through bad days. While I'm at work, I'm thinking about how the anatomy should be on a dragon to get it to fly, how big they'd have to be to carry a rider, how having multiple moons would effect the tides of the ocean, the seasons, the months. I think about the floor plans of a palace that's built inside a tree, how winged people would effectively land and take off without pinching or straining muscles- that kind of stuff. Even before I go to bed, it's how I settle my mind down. I'm sure this aspect of me only really adds to the annoying psycho reputation I'm stacking up, but my life hasn't had very many constants- so I created some myself.

I've been trying to get Dan to sit down and at least give me one day a week of playing in my game. I've decided that I really only want him and myself working on the main story. I got in an argument with the only other person I invited into the Chimu story and it kind of helped me realize that having too many people involved in the project will only turn out as badly as it has in the past.

I'm not getting up on a high horse or anything, I know the stuff I pump out isn't the most creative in the world, but it's original. There's very little that was influenced by television, anime, comics, books, or any of that. When I was growing up, I didn't have the internet, we barely watched anything other than PBS, and I wasn't really into reading anything other than nature books and a few fantasy classics. Everything in my game has another deeper meaning, every location is based off something that I saw or somewhere I lived at one point. Every character has someone behind it that played a roll in my life, someone that meant something to me.

For instance, Tobias started out just kind of as a way to get Asellus and Dargon into some trouble, but during his teenage years, I got to know a kid named Andrew. The guy was pretty small for his age, very thin, but scrappy.  He had a mouth on him that would make a sailor's ears bleed, and he didn't ever really seem to know how to start up an appropreate conversation.  Andrew was a co-worker at Big Town Hero, but he was perhaps one of the two people that I could tolerate there. Many people really didn't like him because on first impression- he was a bad kid. He'd been arrested a few times, he had been wrapped up in drugs, he was a sex addict, and he was always getting into fights. However, he felt comfortable enough to really talk to me on the nights that we closed. It turns out that his family was pretty well off financially, near-millionares in fact. When he was eight teen he was thrown out of the house with nothing but the clothing on his back. He ended up hanging out with whomever would tolerate him being around- in other words, kids like himself. Sex gave him the illusion of being loved by someone, it was something to keep him happy, if only for a few hours. When he got into fights, he was outnumbered. At one point, he got in a fight to protect a kid who was going to get jumped after school.

He wasn't a bad kid. He had a lot of problems, and he didn't deal with them in the best ways. However, before he left Big Town Hero he had taken up a job selling steaks. He was very sharp, very good with people- and managed to sell two boxes to a vegetarian. Within a few weeks he had sold enough to pay off what he owed and get his fience a big screen tv. He had impregnated his girlfriend and stepped up  with a marriage proposal. He came into work one day nearly in tears when he found out that he'd have a baby girl. At one point he told me straight up that he didn't want a guy like himself coming near his daughter, that this kid was going to be his world.

So yeah, everything's got a personal story to it, and so it's very important to me. However, I can't help but feel like Dan's trying to pull out of it. He pretty much washed his hands of it for a year until I brought up the re-vamp. He was on board until the other night when he told me flat out that I should just write it out myself. 

It felt like a slap in the face. It's very important to me, and it's something I wanted to do with him. Dan is very likely the most creative person I've ever known in my life. While a lot of his stuff is fan-fic based, he really puts a lot of effort into developing a character, bringing out a story, and giving everything a very realistic feel to it. He does research into just about everything to figure out loop holes, to figure out how a certain spell will work in a certain situation- he was even right on the ball when I mentioned that I was trying to figure out a calander for Chimu based on how the planets revolve around the sun. We've played maybe four sessions, but I love the twist he's given to the story already.

For instance, Sano was originally my character. But I can't really get into the head of a bad guy very well, I've never played him out in a way that's seemed...genuine. Dan's really worked at the character. He's not just some evil bad guy for the sake of being bad, he's a person who does things differently for his own reasons. Dan's really given him depth. He worked at a back story for Mar, races, etc. I'm gonna try to convince him to stick with it, I think with his help we can get something pretty awesome published.


Blah. Anyway.

Work went fine. Thursdays always seem slow for me. There's three people on shift for closing- Jade, David, and Myself, so I get along very well with everyone. David's very quiet, very private, but a very good person. Jade's younger, a very perky little girl who always seems to be smiling. Now that I think about it- we have the perky and bubbly girl, the quiet, reserved guy- then me in the middle. XD

Anyway, we're getting our new register system in today so we only had one register to work on while the tech guy did his thing. It meant for a lot of customers in line at some points in the night, but for the most part the people that come in are pretty understanding. We're going through a remodel of the shop since...everything's old, full of dog hair, and barely working. We should be fully remodeled in three month's time. I'm pretty excited about it because it'll make keeping everything clean much easier.

So we had that to deal with. We had a very small shipment in compared to what we normally get. Within an hour we had everything checked in, priced, and put away. A few times Jade poked fun at me for starting on the closing list- but I don't like just...sitting there. It's never sat well with me to just sit there when I'm at work. So all the closing stuff got done pretty early. By the end of the night, we were all just sitting there. The dogs were all gone by 7:30, and since the store doesn't close until 8:30, we had nothing else to do. Jade went home early. David gave me the option to leave, but I need all the hours I can manage. Even if I feel like I'm doing nothing productive.

I keep forgetting to bring my camera...I'll try to do that tomorrow.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. yay for that.

Well I've blogged on just about everything accept what I've been up to and all that.

There's really nothing ground-breaking going on. The most I can really complain about was the whole situation with Dan having been gone. Yeah I can understand in a relationship you pretty much have a collar and leash on, but it kind of got out of hand. One week likely would have done well enough, but two weeks was kind of a bit much. Putting the whole "boo, hoo I'm alone for the holidays" aside- Dan missed out on two weeks of work. We've not exactly been cushy financially to begin with. Throw in missing two weeks of pay and the expenses it took to get him and Laura from here to Louisiana, we're out by quite a lot. When he had a firecracker explode in his face, it pretty much drove the nail into the coffin. Dan's like a brother to me, and while I know the sentiment is far from being returned, I worry about him. I didn't like the idea of him going for a few reasons, and I'm not going to claim foresight into what happened or anything, but I had a feeling that -something- bad would happen.

So on top of expenses for the trip, two weeks without work- Dan has hospital bills piled up on him. I work for peanuts... honestly. I'm working maybe a quarter above minimum wage at a job that gives me only 22 hours a week. I took on a second job just to make up for my own financial short comings. I had to beg for 10 hours a week out of Blue Buffalo. The pay's awesome, but it's just enough to make up for what my first job doesn't do for me. On top of that I give up my days off to work on painting windows for my boss on commission, covering for people when they call out, or doing artwork at home at severely discounted rates. I opened up unlimited slots and filled up about 20 slots within the first week after Dan's accident. One commissioner has ordered well over $200 worth of artwork and has still failed to pay me for a $40 piece I did prior to the accident. 

The two holiday weeks meant the loss of two days and a few hours from my paycheck, so I made up for that with commissions. On top of that I was able to hand Dan $100 towards what I owed him- which helped. I've gotten through a quarter of my work load. I normally stay up untiil three or four in the morning to make a dent in the work load. Thankfully, I've kept my drive to get this stuff done. Unfortunately, it means all my gaia work's had a nail driven into it for the moment. I've hired a few new colorists into my Firebringer shop. It's raised a lot of drama which really hasn't helped my desire to continue with the shop.

I started it up as a gift to a pair of friends who didn't have any way to make money on gaia, no way to get pet trades, and, while they have coloring talent, weren't confident enough in their artistic abilities to make up a shop for themselves. The original shop was based on Bambi, but after reading Firebringer I decided to change the theme- and the artwork. Originally, the artwork had been -very- cartooney and cutsey. I changed it to realistic to better fit the style of the book. I re-did the artwork once more during the durration of a year. It never got insanely popular, but it had a handful of awesome lurkers and regulars. Unfortunately, I started getting overwhealmed between college, work, and gaia. So I hired a few colorists to help me out. Unfortunately, they weren't able to edit the lines very well and one colorist kept pushing the limits of markings and colorations. Eventually, I decided it would probibly make everyone's life easier to go back to a more simplistic style. That led to about a month and a half of drama. Loyalists complained taht I killed the heart of the shop.

For one, the shop was never something I wanted to run. I made the lineart, templates, guild, and thread for friends. I didn't earn any profit, nor did I really want any. I just wanted to be an occassional colorist when time allowed. As soon as the individuals made enough to sustain a few of their quests- they stopped working in the shop. I took it up again because there was a pile of growths that they left, and I didn't want to see all that work go to waste. When I hired on new colorists and changed the style- I was going back TO the original heart of the shop. People on gaia who needed a way to get themselves out there on a common style that's easy to work with and allows more freedom in colors and patterns.

I have two other shops running. PHG, which I kind of want to close. It has maybe ten people that even know it exists, and while they're awesome individuals, it's a lot of time and effort that I no longer have due to RL situations. Ohu is perhaps the first shop that I opened that I actually fully intended to run for myself. I'm working with Dusty. The two of us always talked about running a shop together- for about three to four years- but we never had a good idea nor the time. Now that my style's starting to develop a bit more, it's fairly easy to make the art, templates, and what have you. It's very loose, I can edit all I want, I can make any colors and patterns I feel like, and so far it's been a lot of fun. No one  minds that I'm a little slow because MOST of the pets obtained there were through free or cheap events. 

Anyway, yeah gaia stuff. Haha. I know there's a few gaia people that read my journal so I figured I'd touch on that.

I've been a little down because of things back home. Mom was taken out in a game last month by a younger player, her knee was hyper extended and she's been on crutches ever since. She's been watching my dad play soccer from the sidelines. Yesterday when I called, she was in tears because she tried to put pressure on it. Doctors are blowing her off and telling her that it's unlikely she'll ever be able to run or play soccer again. For someone like my mom, it's devistating. Her life is running, playing soccer, and being active. It's the same as an artist loosing their sight or a singer their voice. Mom's been depressed about it, even more so now that she can't keep up with the family and the house. I can't imagine how messy things are getting. No one walks the dogs but her and myself, so the dogs are likely as depressed as her.

I feel selfish for leaving home... when I did things just fell apart. My aunt has cancer and I wasn't there to see her after her surgery. My grandma's losing her memory and I may not be able to see her again and have her even know who I am. My friend group kind of fell apart and started fighting amongst themselves, my boffer team lost to the -worst team- in the league, my family's been going through all kinds of trouble...

Even if I can't prevent and stop all of that, I feel I should at least be there to support everyone. It's what I do.

I've already made plans to go home. August 12th my dad will be here, we'll load up his car with what it can hold, and drive back to Oregon. I love Dan to death, again- he's like a brother to me- and I feel horrible for leaving after just one year, but I can't turn my back on my family. I'm a little offended that Dan won't take a week or two to come and visit Oregon after I've given a year to be here and help him out. But that's life for you.

Anyway, that's my update. I gotta start walking to work. My phone's busted (again) so I gotta stop by the AT&T store to get an idea of what I can afford as soon as I get the check from home. Mom wants me to spend it on things that I need. Like clothing and a phone, heh.